PREPARATION

Adalah seorang lelaki ni yang pandai. Dia akan mengambil peperiksaan yang SANGAT penting lagi 4 bulan tapi dia masih dok rilek je.

"Takpe, exam lama lagi. Ada lagi dalam 4 bulan kot," katanya dalam hati. Memanglah dia risau sikit, tapi entahlah memang jenis stok malas and carefree. Tapi apa-apa pun dia concentrate lagi dalam kelas, takdelah hilang sekejap ada, sekejap takde macam Chipsmore jual kat kedai runcit. Jadi dia pun dok melahgho; main DOTA, baca komik, lepak-lepak dgn member yang sama kepala, apa-apa je aktiviti yang boleh buat dia gembira. Indulging in guilty pleasures, ya know.

Anyway, tanpa disedari masa telah berlalu dengan cepatnya dan tinggal seminggu je sebelum peperiksaan start. Haa dah start gelabah s0 dia pun mulalah belajar, buka buku, garu kepala sana sini, masuk kanan keluar masa exam.

Nak dikatakan nasib baik, result gempak pula.

Tapi, point yang nak disentuh (skema la pula macam ayat periksa je) ialah sebab dia tahu the exact date of examination jadi bolehlah prepare everything semua.

This story somehow reminds me of orang-orang yang sibuk dok enjoy masa muda diorang.

"alahh...masa mudalah kita kena enjoy babe. Bila lagi nak huhaaa, nanti dah tua dah kerepot semua benda terbatas. Time2 tu baru lah cover balik, solat dan beribadah semua mendekatkan diri kepada Tuhan. Standard lah tu."

Sesetengah orang tu, bila dah tua baru nak prepare for akhirat, nak sedar diri tu dah banyak buat dosa.

Yelahh, exam kita boleh ah prepare last minute pun takpe sebab kita tahu bila exact date tapi tarikh kita meninggalkan dunia yang indah gemalai penuh peluang namun memabukkan ini takde siapa yang tahu.

Alih2 umur tak sampai 30 dah mampus kena langgar lori or kena parang dengan saudara sendiri.

We never know, orang sekarang ramai yang gila.Sakit mental. (Ini pendapat I based on what i've read in newspapers la..but the world can be a scary place)

Oleh itu, kalau boleh at least we should try to buat amal sebanyak-sebanyaknya and buat apa yang disuruh dan meninggalkan apa yang dilarang. And i'm trying too.Its really hard but i won't stop trying still.

Ini nasihat untuk diri sendiri jugalah yang kadang2 leka dan lalai.

anyway, fikir2lah sendiri tepuk dada tanya selera.

Wandering

The truth is, no matter how sucks your life is you still have to live it. To live, not just living it emptily, without any scintillating urge like bubbles flowing out of an excessive-amount-of-shampoo and water filled bathtub but to welcome life as it comes. To embrace it, because living in a world where there are no expectations, no thinking and spirited soul with your eyes charcoal black and no sparkles, or fire is not significant. It's just an exhausted and tired body with a malfunction and perhaps malnourished soul, an omnivorous-no-human-meat zombie.

It is not significant.

Just walking around, abiding orders and following other people's blatantly high expectations and needs to at least fit the perfect role in the society.

'At least there is something in life that i can do before the time comes where i can finally find true happiness, my passion, my love, something that i do to live and something that i live to do and do not mind doing it for the rest of my life. For the time being, i'll just play the role.'

But until when should this continue? The smiles and laughters, though genuine sometimes but mostly disguised the emotion that I was feeling inside. It was never entirely honest happiness and overwhelming joy. It was never completely, there will always be this sickening feeling inside like there is a hole buried in the chest and stomach.

After the fun is over, you sit and stare emptily. Nothing to see, nothing to feel and sigh.

And the whole cycle continues until you finish your studies in high school and university and for the next years to come.

And here i am sitting and staring emptily and sigh.

Regardless, much appreciation for the people who came like sunshine with a sincere smile to give and share the joy through out this seemingly never ending journey. Thank you, you don't know how much it means. Even so, i have nothing to return, just perhaps to laugh when jokes are given and try as much to see them smile. Although gradually, inevitably and unintentionally i'm imbibing and sucking in their energy, leaving them with sad eyes in the end. Then, the rude awakening comes and they left.Or I left them.

It's just the way i am. I can barely take care of myself, how do you expect me to care for other people? But this won't go on forever. I just need to know when this will stop.

I can live with it, or can't i?

Although there is always another option to leave everything behind, and start a new life somewhere or go to Afghanistan as a volunteer to help the victims and probably die as a martyr or I don't know. Travelling and living as a contented street musician, a satisfied waiter or anything. The only thing left is the guts to do it.

moving on

He is always so optimistic about life. Always. So..
He moved on.
He found another girl that can make him smile.

I'm happy for him.
I should be. I just dont know why i'm feeling so sad.
Bloody pathetic!

I had always thought that i had done the right thing.
I hope i did. Or maybe i really didnt do anything much.

Life is like a journey on a train, the way i see it sometimes. On your way to your destination, people come and go. Some will be with you till the train stops at the next station, some perhaps longer while the others are maybe just connected by a decent yet hopeful smile. But one or a few will stay with u till the end. Only, u never know when u will stop.

Regardless of anything, sometimes u just have to move on. If u cant, learn how to.

I want to share a quote that i'd found in a very special book. It's nt related pun dgn kat atas,bt wtv.
'Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what i wanted-to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself'
by eugene o'neill