Thursday, October 23, 2014

A State of Daze

Having absent for so long from the world of blog, I seem to be at lost for words. 
I suppose I will start with writing what I did today.

The morning started with a bronchoscopy session where you inserted a camera into the windpipe of someone to check for the condition of the respiratory tract, whether there are any abnormalities i.e tumour present. Anyway the consultant asked me and a final year medical student on Pulmonary Fibrosis which I had not covered so well in the past years. 

Actually, at one point in the past I would have been able to answer most of his questions but as you progress through the course, whatever that you've learnt before is somewhat 'replaced' sort of with new information and I think that's what happened to me anyway. You just could not remember.

Anyway, the conclusion of the story is that I was rather stupid this morning. 

He asked both of us to read on PF and come back after 25 minutes with the answers. And so we did and it went well.
And I thought that it was not so bad.

Anyway, I got to talk to the forever-cheerful Ginger who was holding two large trays of sandwiched to give to the nurse during lunch break. So rajin right? He is such an exemplary student.

During the evening tutorial, the tutor asked a lot of questions which I could answer half-half. BUT, the other students could answer most of them.
Another conclusion, maybe I am stupid. Not just this morning but for the rest of the day.
Nah. I just need to read a BIT more, probably just need to finish the 200+ pages of Rang and Dale's Pharmacology and 300+ pages of Davidson's and everything will be grand.
Not that much really. *ketawahambar*

You see, for the past few weeks I had been in a daze. Where every morning I would wake up, brush my teeth, take a shower, do whatever that I have to do for the day at the hospital, go back home, study a bit, and sleep.
Each day for the past few weeks, it had continued like this. 

I feel that everything started when I did my plastic surgery rotation. Prior to that week, my ambition was to become a plastic surgeon. Unfortunately, watching the surgeons did their work was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be and made me second guess my dream to become a plastic surgeon. This, therefore gave birth to the relentless state of daze that I was in.

I lost focus and did not perform at my fullest capacity. Initially, I kept on wondering why I am doing this? Why go to the hospital? For what purpose really? I could not think clearly sometimes. Progressing through the days with so many assignments to do, so many books and cases to study with such a limited time to think about this long-term planning and goal, I became a translucent being.

If I could describe myself right now, it would be translucent. Metaphorically of course. Because right now, I am just following the flow. And whenever I have a free time, I would either study, socialize or sleep for the sake of it. Doing the bare minimum to survive.

I do know that I want to become a surgeon. But the will to do it is no longer as strong as it was before. I need to redefine my goal, so I could concentrate again.
If this state of daze continues, I might get left behind while the rest of the students march forward to the end of the line.

Why Not?

Sometimes I don't feel like living, but that doesn't mean I want to die either.
I read this quote that I read in this dude's Facebook favorite quotation

"Before you try dying, try living."

So before I die at least I want to contribute something to the society, ya know.

I think I have talents in acting and writing.
I won first place in an acting competition when I was young and my teacher said I was good at acting.
My mom said I have an interesting blog and I always get high marks for essays when it comes to fiction.
And I believe human beings have an infinite amount of potential to do everything they want. The only barrier is that those are hidden behind the laziness and lack of willingness.

So I've decided that I want to become a GREAT doctor and a part-time writer as well. Such a waste to have developed a complicated and interesting wonderland in my head, yet unable to share it with the world. HAHAHA

My sister is an artist and my mom is a novelist.
I have connections to both worlds which I think will be enormously favorable for me to venture in and step forward.

So InsyaAllah with God's will, I'll become one with talents and hard work. Why not?