Sunday, March 25, 2012

common courtesy

How are you?
if i'm fine we just go on
if i'm sick you show concern
if it starts with a well...and you will oh
and some other variations
but often I wonder how much honesty in every word
or is it just based on common courtesy

I love you
and you say I love you too
and that you miss me
and how you can't wait for us to meet
and how we should do this and that
but again often I wonder, as I start to quiver
will it lead me to disappoinment
forming an empty hope
based on common courtesy

but I'm willing to believe
and act along
because the truth behind is always unsettled
and it might really be the truth after all
and not just some actor's lines
based on common courtesy

Thursday, March 22, 2012


Ditanya 'kenapa engkau bersedih?'

Ditanya 'kenapa engkau muram?'

Pandanganku pada riangnya senyuman, tapi bukan itu yang aku lihat
pada langit cerah, tapi bukan itu yang aku renung
pada kesegaran air hujan yang turun di waktu pagi,
tapi bukan itu yang aku rasa
kelopak merah mawar,
wangi-wangian di kompleks mahal,
pujian dan lambungan harta yang entah benar,
lenggok cantik perempuan jalang yang berjalan

pandanganku melepasi mereka
pandangan kosongku ah
kerana semuanya telah mati
kerana hatiku sudah mati

Sabda Rasulullah saw: Ketahuilah,sesungguhnya dalam jasad terdapat segumpal daging, apabila dia baik maka jasad tersebut akan menjadi baik, dan sebaliknya apabila dia buruk maka jasad tersebut akan menjadi buruk, Ketahuilah segumpal daging tersebut adalah "Qolbu" yaitu hati ". ( Hadis Riwayat Bukhori )

Petty stuff, yet

Huh..I therefore starts this post with a sigh. Again.

I found it sadly amusing that I was rather serene, though a bit disturbed by the fact that a drunk guy had actually cursed and rudely asked me questions just 10 minutes ago.
Well I was cooking sardine from a tin one, hmm not cooking just I guess heated it up ah never mind, for my dinner when my Irish housemates Kate and Emma  entered the kitchen. We talked a bit, awkwardly like I had always been nevertheless managed to conceal by my friendliness when this Anto guy came in looking pretty weird.
Of course, I decided to ignore him and continue cooking like normal, though I was feeling rather uneasy. I was right to feel uneasy.

#1 He suddenly called my name and said "that's not an Asian name gahahahaha bla fucking bla bla" something like that. Since he was drunk I thought whatever, though of course being drunk didn't give him the right to be rude and make fun of other's name but I was too introverted to care and join the conversation anyway.

#2 I ate sardine with a spinach and potato soup which I cooked proudly because it always tasted good, regardless of the fact that it's not at all complex to make didn't a bit lower my confidence. And because the potato was boiled along with the spinach, it had somewhat turned a bit green. And he said "What's that shieaat you eating?"
"It's a potato..." "Why is it green it doesn't look bla bla fucking bla..." Again, I decided to just let it go. I was wondering why I didn't feel angry though? I guessed I kind of pitied him. Kate and Emma said he should just shut his mouth and watch his language.

#3 Then, he asked me if I drink alcohol, which of course I quickly answered with a NO and he said "Why? But you're not in Malaysia fucking bla bla bla..." Apparently he has a Malaysian friend who doesn't drink at home, but here in Ireland he just drinks it anyway. Yeah, figured. No wonder he was perplexed, not that I care. Kesian mak bapak budak Malaysia tu.

He's lucky I didn't really care much much anyway. rude + blunt + somewhat crazy (not yet violent in my case anyway) = drunk
Well from this experience I discovered that my name is quite universal, I should not be indifferent and doubt people more and that green potato looks like shieaat to a drunk man. Not that I care, again with the whatever attitude.
That's why alcohol shouldn't be consumed folks. Shame you won't get to taste my tasty spinach and potato soup due to your distorted view of the dish.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

A Moment of Weakness, Yet Maybe Perhaps Just Another Crappy Upsurge of Emotion

My head hurts.
I really feel like dying. Sometimes I can't bear living anymore.

Pathetic. I know.
But I'm so tired.

My head hurts.
My head hurts.

Oh God...why won't they take my words seriously?
I've been trying to, for years. Why couldn't they see it?
Why? Why? Why?
Am I that unworthy, that I can't even receive a bit of their time and concern?

My head hurts and I'm so tired.

Here I am pleading for help, yet no one blinks an eye.

Just now I was moved to tears because someone brought me dinner; even if it was just leftover.
There is still hope. Just a bit more.
Maybe things will get better. But every time, my gaze is getting lower and lower, in a narrow defeat.

I'm better off alone, and people are better off without me?
Someone like me, so full of crap and bitterness will just make people tired. I guess I haven't changed at all.
Let's just fake the smile and warmth like I've been doing for years.

Trust me, it's really not that hard. Because some people are just too easy to be fooled. So foolish.

Yeap another reason why I chose this profession. Even if I can't help myself, at least I can help to heal others pain. Even if it's just physical. And not living a useless life.

I hope this is just another phase of my biography, where in the future I will glance back and just laugh about my own foolishness.

FUCK. Maybe I do need to see a counselor.