The Barrenness of Each Day in Times of Holiday

The hecticness of the past weeks had somehow consumed me in a way that left me drained of energy. Hours of sleepless nights working my brain out so I won't shed too much tears at the end of the line (when the result of examinations come up) and now I'm pretty much sleeping all the time. Falling into a deep quiescence.

I could still remember, in one of my OHANA this one sentence that froze me for a second, for I was stupid enough not to recognize the one simple fact :-
'Kelapangan itu jalan kepada kemaksiatan'

How true it is! For when even for the shortest moment when we're seemingly free from any kind of obligations, we ceaselessly drown ourselves in deceitful joy and pleasure. Some of us.
Why is it deceitful you  may ask?
As much as I want to believe it has brought upon me a great happiness, it was not real. For I believe real happiness can only be gained through any acts that strengthen your relationship with God.
My, my, and I ponder the barrenness of each day in times of holiday in my life so far.


For when I close my eyes
Oblivious to the arid life surrounding me
I become nothingness
Void of any emotion of some sort

Averting regret and sorrow
and gloom and sadness
Waiting for a day when futility
is nothing more than just a word

A deep somber is all I need for now
Oblivious to the arid life surrounding me
I become nothingness
Void of any emotion of some sort
A fraudulent escapee
against myself

Love Again

And your heart skips a beat
As his glance meets your eyes
Could he know?
Oh but I wish he would

So I can save all this uneasiness
Hours of hopeful reverie
Hoping for a future
With us in the picture

Ah I give up on love. Love as in between lovers kind of love.
I think love is one of the biggest paradoxes in life, don't you agree?
It makes you happy and sad at the same time.
It makes you smile and cry the next day.
It makes you angry yet, you always go back to that person.
You hate him and then you like him.
You're a rational and also a crazy person.
You have a friend, and then a lover, and then a stranger.

Why do I have to face this again? Shit I hate love relationships, especially one-sided and temporary ones. Everyone gets hurt in this kind of relationship. The one whose love is not returned and the one who is unable to return the love. You used to become friends and hang out and have fun until it becomes something else and now you don't even talk to each other. Anger is sparked, hope is diminished, grudge is seeded, and trust is locked deep inside the soul.

This is a most common love relationship graph that I made according to my own interpretation of it.

A: if the relationship continues
B: if the relationship ends
a: when you get to know each other
b: conflicts: hesitation whether this is love or not, false assumptions and the best part since you're trying to woo the guy
c: honeymoon stage yeah baby
d: comfort zone where you often take your partner for granted
e: misunderstandings
f: reconciliation
g: conclusion: break up or continue

I like graphs and mathematics. But I can't figure out a love equation because I'm not experienced enough haha. I heard one of my friends is getting married and it makes me nervous. I don't think about this before but now I think I have to. I'll just ask my parents to find someone I can marry when I'm 26. It's permanent (hopefully) and the best way to have a good family.
Leading a single life as a career woman doesn't sound so bad either.

I want a bit of rainbow

Oh my god...6 more days and I'll be on the plane to my home country. I can't help feeling scared and excited at the same time.

Anyway, during the 3 months break I'm thinking of making some money. Well, I don't really know what sort of job I can do that won't consume a lot of my time. I thought of writing a book or something, like my mom. I really do hope I possess her marvellous talent in writing as well and she can guide me too. So, it will be really convenient.

BUT IF I CAN'T WRITE A BOOK, what work can I do? Working in a bakery previously was quite okay, but I won't be able to take care of my younger siblings. But I do need some cash to go on a road trip around Malaysia, or at least to some of the nearer states.
Or maybe I should use my current savings right now. I don't want my youth to be dull and boring...it won't be a good story to be told to my future grandchildren.

I don't know
Oh my youth is fading away
Resembling the pale grey colour on an old photograph

How I feel so restless
And the sighs as loyal companions
Please, I want to walk on the striking rainbow

silly me

LMAO rolling on my bed thinking about it. Well, truthfully it may not sounded that funny at all, but it totally cracked me up.
I suddenly remember an idiotic mirth that happened when I was in secondary school. I think I was in form 3 or form 4 and I had Pn. Hakimah (I'm pretty sure I have it right) as my English teacher.

Te whole class had a free period or so thought since I was idly reading an English novel in the class. As expected naturally I would bump into words that I did not understand, and the lucky word of the day was..I'd save it for the last.

As expected naturally in an English class with an English teacher in front, I headed to her to clear my obscurity.

"Teacher, what does this word mean?"
Looking a bit uneasy, she asked "Where did you find this word?"
 "Oh..I was reading this novel. How do you pronounce this? a-shol? e-shol?"
"It's a bad word. Don't concern yourself with this.."

Unsatisfied, I asked my friend about it.
And of course she ended up laughing and calling me stupid. I bet you could guess already what the word is. Sigh.
The synonym for it is 'butthole'.

Blackbird and Blarney Castle

Assalamualaikum and Hi:)

Today I went to Blarney Castle and took a lot of pictures. The view was breathtaking and the place was actually quite wide. I walked alongside a river with clear flowing water, and just enjoyed the view basically. There were two main highlights of the place; Blarney Castle (of course) and Rock Close.

There was an old small cave, with one opening. I had to crouch down to enter and it was damn scaryT.T I didn't think caves could be so damn terrifying, but it got me thrilled too haha. Unfortunately, I hesitated on kissing the infamous Blarney Stone. The experience was not that nerve-wrecking really due to probably the fact that the stone was located twenty feet above the ground and entered your head through a small opening to kiss it, just that I heard bad disgusting rumours that some irresponsible people peed onto it. I know, effing-what-the-heck-was-I-thinking-YUCKKKK but it turned out the stone was guarded by this old kind guy who smiled a lot and he also cleaned it several times a day. And it's such a waste since you have no Blarney Stone anywhere else and Winston Churchill kissed the stone too on 1912. (perverted thought interrupting: so many indirect kisses bleurghh) Still, the rumours could have been true. If you're wondering whether I kissed it or not, I ain't gonna tell ya hehe:P

This is a part of Rock Close. Just below this stance, you can see a cute small waterfall

I think it's a cherry blossom tree. Regardless, one cannot disagree on its beauty

The rocks look pretty much like that. Actually, this is a Sacrificial Altar of a witch.

Wishing Steps. If you descend the stairs and go back up with your eyes closed, your wish may just be granted. Also if you walk backwards.

It's still a wonder how this stature was developed. It reminded me of Snow White when the old witch wanted to kill the prince and she pushed a big rock like this down the hill

And walaaaaa...Blarney Castle

About Rock Close, there's nothing much I could say about. Pictures may paint a thousand words but sometimes you just have to watch it for yourself to get the 'feel'.
Enjoy the pictures:)

And I made a cover on Blackbird by the Beatles. Despite my unqualified skill to play it, but well who says you have to play it perfectly to enjoy a song. Just my own personal indulgence:)

I'll be having my summer exam in two weeks time, so wish me luck. And good luck too in your studies. Take care.

common courtesy

How are you?
if i'm fine we just go on
if i'm sick you show concern
if it starts with a well...and you will oh
and some other variations
but often I wonder how much honesty in every word
or is it just based on common courtesy

I love you
and you say I love you too
and that you miss me
and how you can't wait for us to meet
and how we should do this and that
but again often I wonder, as I start to quiver
will it lead me to disappoinment
forming an empty hope
based on common courtesy

but I'm willing to believe
and act along
because the truth behind is always unsettled
and it might really be the truth after all
and not just some actor's lines
based on common courtesy

hati

Ditanya 'kenapa engkau bersedih?'
Senyap

Ditanya 'kenapa engkau muram?'
Senyap

Pandanganku pada riangnya senyuman, tapi bukan itu yang aku lihat
pada langit cerah, tapi bukan itu yang aku renung
pada kesegaran air hujan yang turun di waktu pagi,
tapi bukan itu yang aku rasa
kelopak merah mawar,
wangi-wangian di kompleks mahal,
pujian dan lambungan harta yang entah benar,
lenggok cantik perempuan jalang yang berjalan

pandanganku melepasi mereka
pandangan kosongku ah
kerana semuanya telah mati
perasaan
       penglihatan
               pendengaran
kerana hatiku sudah mati

Sabda Rasulullah saw: Ketahuilah,sesungguhnya dalam jasad terdapat segumpal daging, apabila dia baik maka jasad tersebut akan menjadi baik, dan sebaliknya apabila dia buruk maka jasad tersebut akan menjadi buruk, Ketahuilah segumpal daging tersebut adalah "Qolbu" yaitu hati ". ( Hadis Riwayat Bukhori )

Petty stuff, yet

Huh..I therefore starts this post with a sigh. Again.

I found it sadly amusing that I was rather serene, though a bit disturbed by the fact that a drunk guy had actually cursed and rudely asked me questions just 10 minutes ago.
Well I was cooking sardine from a tin one, hmm not cooking just I guess heated it up ah never mind, for my dinner when my Irish housemates Kate and Emma  entered the kitchen. We talked a bit, awkwardly like I had always been nevertheless managed to conceal by my friendliness when this Anto guy came in looking pretty weird.
Of course, I decided to ignore him and continue cooking like normal, though I was feeling rather uneasy. I was right to feel uneasy.

#1 He suddenly called my name and said "that's not an Asian name gahahahaha bla fucking bla bla" something like that. Since he was drunk I thought whatever, though of course being drunk didn't give him the right to be rude and make fun of other's name but I was too introverted to care and join the conversation anyway.

#2 I ate sardine with a spinach and potato soup which I cooked proudly because it always tasted good, regardless of the fact that it's not at all complex to make didn't a bit lower my confidence. And because the potato was boiled along with the spinach, it had somewhat turned a bit green. And he said "What's that shieaat you eating?"
"It's a potato..." "Why is it green it doesn't look bla bla fucking bla..." Again, I decided to just let it go. I was wondering why I didn't feel angry though? I guessed I kind of pitied him. Kate and Emma said he should just shut his mouth and watch his language.

#3 Then, he asked me if I drink alcohol, which of course I quickly answered with a NO and he said "Why? But you're not in Malaysia fucking bla bla bla..." Apparently he has a Malaysian friend who doesn't drink at home, but here in Ireland he just drinks it anyway. Yeah, figured. No wonder he was perplexed, not that I care. Kesian mak bapak budak Malaysia tu.

He's lucky I didn't really care much much anyway. rude + blunt + somewhat crazy (not yet violent in my case anyway) = drunk
Well from this experience I discovered that my name is quite universal, I should not be indifferent and doubt people more and that green potato looks like shieaat to a drunk man. Not that I care, again with the whatever attitude.
That's why alcohol shouldn't be consumed folks. Shame you won't get to taste my tasty spinach and potato soup due to your distorted view of the dish.

A Moment of Weakness, Yet Maybe Perhaps Just Another Crappy Upsurge of Emotion

My head hurts.
I really feel like dying. Sometimes I can't bear living anymore.

Pathetic. I know.
But I'm so tired.

My head hurts.
My head hurts.


Oh God...why won't they take my words seriously?
I've been trying to, for years. Why couldn't they see it?
Why? Why? Why?
Am I that unworthy, that I can't even receive a bit of their time and concern?


My head hurts and I'm so tired.

Here I am pleading for help, yet no one blinks an eye.

Just now I was moved to tears because someone brought me dinner; even if it was just leftover.
There is still hope. Just a bit more.
Maybe things will get better. But every time, my gaze is getting lower and lower, in a narrow defeat.

I'm better off alone, and people are better off without me?
Someone like me, so full of crap and bitterness will just make people tired. I guess I haven't changed at all.
Let's just fake the smile and warmth like I've been doing for years.

Trust me, it's really not that hard. Because some people are just too easy to be fooled. So foolish.

Yeap another reason why I chose this profession. Even if I can't help myself, at least I can help to heal others pain. Even if it's just physical. And not living a useless life.

I hope this is just another phase of my biography, where in the future I will glance back and just laugh about my own foolishness.

FUCK. Maybe I do need to see a counselor.

It seems I have a grudge against my bed and the cold air

Well this strip below may depict what I sincerely mean..

Huh..lately I slept a lot. I mean really, a lot it almost seemed like that was really the only thing I did when I had a free time for the past few weeks.  Have I finally come to a sleeping phase in my life?

This really, though my outer appearance did not convey this even a bit, disquieted me. Sometimes I missed a class due to overslept, I didn't study much, and apparently I had somehow gained weight and my clothes felt pretty tight, though I think that was probably because it had shrank. I had tried to avoid this sleeping addiction, yet invariably always ended up sleeping anyway. 

With only a bit of self-discipline and a strong will, I know I can overcome this. But I'm really lacking in those aspects. When you combine a warm fuzzy bed with a cold air, it results in a lie in and sleeping addiction, seriously. 

Bad bed! 

It is childish and immature to blame the bed and the cold air for my laziness, which without a doubt was due to the lack of discipline in myself. Anyway, since I can't change the weather, I've somewhat decided, after a short consideration of the possible consequences that might befall me, that I'm going to avoid my bed for one whole week. Which means, I absolutely cannot sit or lie on my bed regardless of what the circumstances might be because the obvious inevitable resultant would leave me in a deep turmoil.

This is the only way, I guess.

My first post after a long dot

Here I am back again in my blog.

I checked on all the posts that i've put up here in my blog, and realized that almost all of it contained non-stop complaining, yet there were still people who read and give supports albeit the fact that they may have been depressing to read.

How could I not realize it, all of this while I was searching for this so-called true friends, I have had them already right under my big nose. If I had only looked closer.

The world worked in such an unfriendly and unparalleled way, that it chose the loss of priceless and valuable friends as an object lesson to awake me from my long self-delusions.

Why didn't I realize it earlier?

Yet, there I was mumbling of how I wasn't being myself and that I was hiding from the rest of the world, while the fact was that it had been me all along.

Somehow, everything little things that i'm mentioning right now sound so shallow. So fucking shallow.

Thank you Leana, Aiman, Azrul, Zahid, Ron, Crayon, H, anonymous and other writers who commented on my blogs. I'm sorry i hadn't been able to appreciate your presence.

Thank you so much for the companionship. You may have left this blog already, but even so please know i'm always grateful for your ever honest concern.

p/s: if you're reading this, how about coming to my house over this summer? i'll treat you guys for something delicious lol. seriously.