A State of Daze

Having absent for so long from the world of blog, I seem to be at lost for words. 

I suppose I will start with writing what I did today.

The morning started with a bronchoscopy session where you inserted a camera into the windpipe of someone to check for the condition of the respiratory tract, whether there are any abnormalities i.e tumour present. Anyway the consultant asked me and a final year medical student on Pulmonary Fibrosis which I had not covered so well in the past years. 

Actually, at one point in the past I would have been able to answer most of his questions but as you progress through the course, whatever that you've learnt before is somewhat 'replaced' sort of with new information and I think that's what happened to me anyway. You just could not remember.

Anyway, the conclusion of the story is that I was rather stupid this morning. 

He asked both of us to read on PF and come back after 25 minutes with the answers. And so we did and it went well.

And I thought that it was not so bad.

Anyway, I got to talk to the forever-cheerful Ginger who was holding two large trays of sandwiched to give to the nurse during lunch break. So rajin right? He is such an exemplary student.

During the evening tutorial, the tutor asked a lot of questions which I could answer half-half. BUT, the other students could answer most of them.

Another conclusion, maybe I am stupid. Not just this morning but for the rest of the day.

Nah. I just need to read a BIT more, probably just need to finish the 200+ pages of Rang and Dale's Pharmacology and 300+ pages of Davidson's and everything will be grand.

Not that much really. *ketawahambar*

You see, for the past few weeks I had been in a daze. Where every morning I would wake up, brush my teeth, take a shower, do whatever that I have to do for the day at the hospital, go back home, study a bit, and sleep.

Each day for the past few weeks, it had continued like this. 

I feel that everything started when I did my plastic surgery rotation. Prior to that week, my ambition was to become a plastic surgeon. Unfortunately, watching the surgeons did their work was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be and made me second guess my dream to become a plastic surgeon. This, therefore gave birth to the relentless state of daze that I was in.

I lost focus and did not perform at my fullest capacity. Initially, I kept on wondering why I am doing this? Why go to the hospital? For what purpose really? I could not think clearly sometimes. Progressing through the days with so many assignments to do, so many books and cases to study with such a limited time to think about this long-term planning and goal, I became a translucent being.

If I could describe myself right now, it would be translucent. Metaphorically of course. Because right now, I am just following the flow. And whenever I have a free time, I would either study, socialize or sleep for the sake of it. Doing the bare minimum to survive.

I do know that I want to become a surgeon. But the will to do it is no longer as strong as it was before. I need to redefine my goal, so I could concentrate again.

If this state of daze continues, I might get left behind while the rest of the students march forward to the end of the line.

Why Not?

Sometimes I don't feel like living, but that doesn't mean I want to die either.
I read this quote that I read in this dude's Facebook favorite quotation

"Before you try dying, try living."

So before I die at least I want to contribute something to the society, ya know.

I think I have talents in acting and writing.
Reason:
I won first place in an acting competition when I was young and my teacher said I was good at acting.
My mom said I have an interesting blog and I always get high marks for essays when it comes to fiction.
And I believe human beings have an infinite amount of potential to do everything they want. The only barrier is that those are hidden behind the laziness and lack of willingness.

So I've decided that I want to become a GREAT doctor and a part-time writer as well. Such a waste to have developed a complicated and interesting wonderland in my head, yet unable to share it with the world. HAHAHA

My sister is an artist and my mom is a novelist.
I have connections to both worlds which I think will be enormously favorable for me to venture in and step forward.

So InsyaAllah with God's will, I'll become one with talents and hard work. Why not?

Dear Blog and A Song

Hey again. 

I have long ignored this blog of mine. And hence, I guess I owe it a apology.

Dear blog, I am sorry. I know I have not been showering you with a lot of love-in this case perhaps posts would be more appropriate. I do miss you but please understand my lack of creativity and willpower to write even one post. Your silent response and willingness to accept my apology by allowing me to write this, I am forever grateful.

Something sad happened yesterday. But I don't think I should reveal it here.

Anyway, since this blog received very few views I am not so shy to post a.....

Cover of me singing one of my favourite songs!

This is a cover of a song called Driving by Olivia. In the middle of singing, I suddenly got nervous and forgot the lyric haha. 

That is all. For you who is reading this, I hope you're in pink of health:)

Please Come Out

When I think of you,
my heart skips a beat.

I want to see you,
but you always play hide and seek.

Jumping from one date to another,
you're so full of mystery.

I don't mind if you're 70, 85 or even 100,
heck I like you more if you're 100!

I hope you start with A,
because I don't like other alphabets.

But I'm going to accept you somehow,
because you're a reflection of myself.

You don't have to show yourself to everybody,
just for my eyes only.

Don't be shy,
I've waited too long.

So please pretty please my dear EXAM RESULTS, please come out,
and give my heart some peace.

The Barrenness of Each Day in Times of Holiday

The hecticness of the past weeks had somehow consumed me in a way that left me drained of energy. Hours of sleepless nights working my brain out so I won't shed too much tears at the end of the line (when the result of examinations come up) and now I'm pretty much sleeping all the time. Falling into a deep quiescence.

I could still remember, in one of my OHANA this one sentence that froze me for a second, for I was stupid enough not to recognize the one simple fact :-
'Kelapangan itu jalan kepada kemaksiatan'

How true it is! For when even for the shortest moment when we're seemingly free from any kind of obligations, we ceaselessly drown ourselves in deceitful joy and pleasure. Some of us.
Why is it deceitful you  may ask?
As much as I want to believe it has brought upon me a great happiness, it was not real. For I believe real happiness can only be gained through any acts that strengthen your relationship with God.
My, my, and I ponder the barrenness of each day in times of holiday in my life so far.


For when I close my eyes
Oblivious to the arid life surrounding me
I become nothingness
Void of any emotion of some sort

Averting regret and sorrow
and gloom and sadness
Waiting for a day when futility
is nothing more than just a word

A deep somber is all I need for now
Oblivious to the arid life surrounding me
I become nothingness
Void of any emotion of some sort
A fraudulent escapee
against myself

Love Again

And your heart skips a beat
As his glance meets your eyes
Could he know?
Oh but I wish he would

So I can save all this uneasiness
Hours of hopeful reverie
Hoping for a future
With us in the picture

Ah I give up on love. Love as in between lovers kind of love.
I think love is one of the biggest paradoxes in life, don't you agree?
It makes you happy and sad at the same time.
It makes you smile and cry the next day.
It makes you angry yet, you always go back to that person.
You hate him and then you like him.
You're a rational and also a crazy person.
You have a friend, and then a lover, and then a stranger.

Why do I have to face this again? Shit I hate love relationships, especially one-sided and temporary ones. Everyone gets hurt in this kind of relationship. The one whose love is not returned and the one who is unable to return the love. You used to become friends and hang out and have fun until it becomes something else and now you don't even talk to each other. Anger is sparked, hope is diminished, grudge is seeded, and trust is locked deep inside the soul.

This is a most common love relationship graph that I made according to my own interpretation of it.

A: if the relationship continues
B: if the relationship ends
a: when you get to know each other
b: conflicts: hesitation whether this is love or not, false assumptions and the best part since you're trying to woo the guy
c: honeymoon stage yeah baby
d: comfort zone where you often take your partner for granted
e: misunderstandings
f: reconciliation
g: conclusion: break up or continue

I like graphs and mathematics. But I can't figure out a love equation because I'm not experienced enough haha. I heard one of my friends is getting married and it makes me nervous. I don't think about this before but now I think I have to. I'll just ask my parents to find someone I can marry when I'm 26. It's permanent (hopefully) and the best way to have a good family.
Leading a single life as a career woman doesn't sound so bad either.

I want a bit of rainbow

Oh my god...6 more days and I'll be on the plane to my home country. I can't help feeling scared and excited at the same time.

Anyway, during the 3 months break I'm thinking of making some money. Well, I don't really know what sort of job I can do that won't consume a lot of my time. I thought of writing a book or something, like my mom. I really do hope I possess her marvellous talent in writing as well and she can guide me too. So, it will be really convenient.

BUT IF I CAN'T WRITE A BOOK, what work can I do? Working in a bakery previously was quite okay, but I won't be able to take care of my younger siblings. But I do need some cash to go on a road trip around Malaysia, or at least to some of the nearer states.
Or maybe I should use my current savings right now. I don't want my youth to be dull and boring...it won't be a good story to be told to my future grandchildren.

I don't know
Oh my youth is fading away
Resembling the pale grey colour on an old photograph

How I feel so restless
And the sighs as loyal companions
Please, I want to walk on the striking rainbow

silly me

LMAO rolling on my bed thinking about it. Well, truthfully it may not sounded that funny at all, but it totally cracked me up.
I suddenly remember an idiotic mirth that happened when I was in secondary school. I think I was in form 3 or form 4 and I had Pn. Hakimah (I'm pretty sure I have it right) as my English teacher.

Te whole class had a free period or so thought since I was idly reading an English novel in the class. As expected naturally I would bump into words that I did not understand, and the lucky word of the day was..I'd save it for the last.

As expected naturally in an English class with an English teacher in front, I headed to her to clear my obscurity.

"Teacher, what does this word mean?"
Looking a bit uneasy, she asked "Where did you find this word?"
 "Oh..I was reading this novel. How do you pronounce this? a-shol? e-shol?"
"It's a bad word. Don't concern yourself with this.."

Unsatisfied, I asked my friend about it.
And of course she ended up laughing and calling me stupid. I bet you could guess already what the word is. Sigh.
The synonym for it is 'butthole'.

Blackbird and Blarney Castle

Assalamualaikum and Hi:)

Today I went to Blarney Castle and took a lot of pictures. The view was breathtaking and the place was actually quite wide. I walked alongside a river with clear flowing water, and just enjoyed the view basically. There were two main highlights of the place; Blarney Castle (of course) and Rock Close.

There was an old small cave, with one opening. I had to crouch down to enter and it was damn scaryT.T I didn't think caves could be so damn terrifying, but it got me thrilled too haha. Unfortunately, I hesitated on kissing the infamous Blarney Stone. The experience was not that nerve-wrecking really due to probably the fact that the stone was located twenty feet above the ground and entered your head through a small opening to kiss it, just that I heard bad disgusting rumours that some irresponsible people peed onto it. I know, effing-what-the-heck-was-I-thinking-YUCKKKK but it turned out the stone was guarded by this old kind guy who smiled a lot and he also cleaned it several times a day. And it's such a waste since you have no Blarney Stone anywhere else and Winston Churchill kissed the stone too on 1912. (perverted thought interrupting: so many indirect kisses bleurghh) Still, the rumours could have been true. If you're wondering whether I kissed it or not, I ain't gonna tell ya hehe:P

This is a part of Rock Close. Just below this stance, you can see a cute small waterfall

I think it's a cherry blossom tree. Regardless, one cannot disagree on its beauty

The rocks look pretty much like that. Actually, this is a Sacrificial Altar of a witch.

Wishing Steps. If you descend the stairs and go back up with your eyes closed, your wish may just be granted. Also if you walk backwards.

It's still a wonder how this stature was developed. It reminded me of Snow White when the old witch wanted to kill the prince and she pushed a big rock like this down the hill

And walaaaaa...Blarney Castle

About Rock Close, there's nothing much I could say about. Pictures may paint a thousand words but sometimes you just have to watch it for yourself to get the 'feel'.
Enjoy the pictures:)

And I made a cover on Blackbird by the Beatles. Despite my unqualified skill to play it, but well who says you have to play it perfectly to enjoy a song. Just my own personal indulgence:)

I'll be having my summer exam in two weeks time, so wish me luck. And good luck too in your studies. Take care.

common courtesy

How are you?
if i'm fine we just go on
if i'm sick you show concern
if it starts with a well...and you will oh
and some other variations
but often I wonder how much honesty in every word
or is it just based on common courtesy

I love you
and you say I love you too
and that you miss me
and how you can't wait for us to meet
and how we should do this and that
but again often I wonder, as I start to quiver
will it lead me to disappoinment
forming an empty hope
based on common courtesy

but I'm willing to believe
and act along
because the truth behind is always unsettled
and it might really be the truth after all
and not just some actor's lines
based on common courtesy

hati

Ditanya 'kenapa engkau bersedih?'
Senyap

Ditanya 'kenapa engkau muram?'
Senyap

Pandanganku pada riangnya senyuman, tapi bukan itu yang aku lihat
pada langit cerah, tapi bukan itu yang aku renung
pada kesegaran air hujan yang turun di waktu pagi,
tapi bukan itu yang aku rasa
kelopak merah mawar,
wangi-wangian di kompleks mahal,
pujian dan lambungan harta yang entah benar,
lenggok cantik perempuan jalang yang berjalan

pandanganku melepasi mereka
pandangan kosongku ah
kerana semuanya telah mati
perasaan
       penglihatan
               pendengaran
kerana hatiku sudah mati

Sabda Rasulullah saw: Ketahuilah,sesungguhnya dalam jasad terdapat segumpal daging, apabila dia baik maka jasad tersebut akan menjadi baik, dan sebaliknya apabila dia buruk maka jasad tersebut akan menjadi buruk, Ketahuilah segumpal daging tersebut adalah "Qolbu" yaitu hati ". ( Hadis Riwayat Bukhori )

Petty stuff, yet

Huh..I therefore starts this post with a sigh. Again.

I found it sadly amusing that I was rather serene, though a bit disturbed by the fact that a drunk guy had actually cursed and rudely asked me questions just 10 minutes ago.
Well I was cooking sardine from a tin one, hmm not cooking just I guess heated it up ah never mind, for my dinner when my Irish housemates Kate and Emma  entered the kitchen. We talked a bit, awkwardly like I had always been nevertheless managed to conceal by my friendliness when this Anto guy came in looking pretty weird.
Of course, I decided to ignore him and continue cooking like normal, though I was feeling rather uneasy. I was right to feel uneasy.

#1 He suddenly called my name and said "that's not an Asian name gahahahaha bla fucking bla bla" something like that. Since he was drunk I thought whatever, though of course being drunk didn't give him the right to be rude and make fun of other's name but I was too introverted to care and join the conversation anyway.

#2 I ate sardine with a spinach and potato soup which I cooked proudly because it always tasted good, regardless of the fact that it's not at all complex to make didn't a bit lower my confidence. And because the potato was boiled along with the spinach, it had somewhat turned a bit green. And he said "What's that shieaat you eating?"
"It's a potato..." "Why is it green it doesn't look bla bla fucking bla..." Again, I decided to just let it go. I was wondering why I didn't feel angry though? I guessed I kind of pitied him. Kate and Emma said he should just shut his mouth and watch his language.

#3 Then, he asked me if I drink alcohol, which of course I quickly answered with a NO and he said "Why? But you're not in Malaysia fucking bla bla bla..." Apparently he has a Malaysian friend who doesn't drink at home, but here in Ireland he just drinks it anyway. Yeah, figured. No wonder he was perplexed, not that I care. Kesian mak bapak budak Malaysia tu.

He's lucky I didn't really care much much anyway. rude + blunt + somewhat crazy (not yet violent in my case anyway) = drunk
Well from this experience I discovered that my name is quite universal, I should not be indifferent and doubt people more and that green potato looks like shieaat to a drunk man. Not that I care, again with the whatever attitude.
That's why alcohol shouldn't be consumed folks. Shame you won't get to taste my tasty spinach and potato soup due to your distorted view of the dish.

A Moment of Weakness, Yet Maybe Perhaps Just Another Crappy Upsurge of Emotion

My head hurts.
I really feel like dying. Sometimes I can't bear living anymore.

Pathetic. I know.
But I'm so tired.

My head hurts.
My head hurts.


Oh God...why won't they take my words seriously?
I've been trying to, for years. Why couldn't they see it?
Why? Why? Why?
Am I that unworthy, that I can't even receive a bit of their time and concern?


My head hurts and I'm so tired.

Here I am pleading for help, yet no one blinks an eye.

Just now I was moved to tears because someone brought me dinner; even if it was just leftover.
There is still hope. Just a bit more.
Maybe things will get better. But every time, my gaze is getting lower and lower, in a narrow defeat.

I'm better off alone, and people are better off without me?
Someone like me, so full of crap and bitterness will just make people tired. I guess I haven't changed at all.
Let's just fake the smile and warmth like I've been doing for years.

Trust me, it's really not that hard. Because some people are just too easy to be fooled. So foolish.

Yeap another reason why I chose this profession. Even if I can't help myself, at least I can help to heal others pain. Even if it's just physical. And not living a useless life.

I hope this is just another phase of my biography, where in the future I will glance back and just laugh about my own foolishness.

FUCK. Maybe I do need to see a counselor.

It seems I have a grudge against my bed and the cold air

Well this strip below may depict what I sincerely mean..

Huh..lately I slept a lot. I mean really, a lot it almost seemed like that was really the only thing I did when I had a free time for the past few weeks.  Have I finally come to a sleeping phase in my life?

This really, though my outer appearance did not convey this even a bit, disquieted me. Sometimes I missed a class due to overslept, I didn't study much, and apparently I had somehow gained weight and my clothes felt pretty tight, though I think that was probably because it had shrank. I had tried to avoid this sleeping addiction, yet invariably always ended up sleeping anyway. 

With only a bit of self-discipline and a strong will, I know I can overcome this. But I'm really lacking in those aspects. When you combine a warm fuzzy bed with a cold air, it results in a lie in and sleeping addiction, seriously. 

Bad bed! 

It is childish and immature to blame the bed and the cold air for my laziness, which without a doubt was due to the lack of discipline in myself. Anyway, since I can't change the weather, I've somewhat decided, after a short consideration of the possible consequences that might befall me, that I'm going to avoid my bed for one whole week. Which means, I absolutely cannot sit or lie on my bed regardless of what the circumstances might be because the obvious inevitable resultant would leave me in a deep turmoil.

This is the only way, I guess.

My first post after a long dot

Here I am back again in my blog.

I checked on all the posts that i've put up here in my blog, and realized that almost all of it contained non-stop complaining, yet there were still people who read and give supports albeit the fact that they may have been depressing to read.

How could I not realize it, all of this while I was searching for this so-called true friends, I have had them already right under my big nose. If I had only looked closer.

The world worked in such an unfriendly and unparalleled way, that it chose the loss of priceless and valuable friends as an object lesson to awake me from my long self-delusions.

Why didn't I realize it earlier?

Yet, there I was mumbling of how I wasn't being myself and that I was hiding from the rest of the world, while the fact was that it had been me all along.

Somehow, everything little things that i'm mentioning right now sound so shallow. So fucking shallow.

Thank you Leana, Aiman, Azrul, Zahid, Ron, Crayon, H, anonymous and other writers who commented on my blogs. I'm sorry i hadn't been able to appreciate your presence.

Thank you so much for the companionship. You may have left this blog already, but even so please know i'm always grateful for your ever honest concern.

p/s: if you're reading this, how about coming to my house over this summer? i'll treat you guys for something delicious lol. seriously.

Forever and Ever

I'm depressed thinking about my future. And so i've composed (cewahh..) a depressing song. If you're wondering what the song is about, when you read the title you'll know.

Forever Alone

Intro: Em Am

Em

I'm gonna be forever alone

Am

Gazing through the hazy windows

G

Waiting for someone to come

Em

So many lonely nights spent

Am

With the dimmed stars on my side

G

And I sigh

C

Forever alone

D Em

Forever alone

Am D7

Forever alone

Em

Forever alone....

I know i'm being ridiculously ridiculous, but after what i've been through i can't help feeling like this.

Maybe i tried too hard. Maybe i should just follow the flow.

Maybe i should just forget about all this complicated relationship stuffs, study, work and become rich, find myself an ideal husband and just get married je terus when i'm 27.

Trapped

I know the truth, but my overwhelming emotion and ego are blinding me from seeing it clearly.

And so i remain trapped in my own foolishness.

Classmates

Watching the identical..almost identical faces of Korean popstars reminded me of the orientation week when i enrolled in KMB.

During orientatation, as expected there were a lot of typical and compulsory activities that you basically had to do; ice breaking and some other activities that i couldn't remember.

Anyway, towards the end after all the freshies were already distributed into respective classes we had to sit in circles facing our own classmates.

I still remember what was on my mind as i followed each and every strange and new face, one by one that eventually would leave an amazing and unforgettable memories.

'Alamak...takde sorang pun yang handsome. Asal semua muka nampak sama ni...Habislah macam mana nak ingat nama sorang2.Yang perempuan lagilah nasib ada Suraya.."

(Suraya was in the same school as i was)

I don't know was it because of nervousness and so everythin

g was blurred or was it because there was nothing that i can base on to differentiate them.

As we got to know each other, thanks to their distinctive personalities and other characteristics i managed to remember their names well haha.

Well anyway these are my classmates

anyway, samurai champloo is awesome

PETTY STUFF

(late entry due to low internet connection on that day-one week before IB ended)

Oh my god...I swear today was just the most stupid day of my life!

I tengah baca surat BTN, check apa barang nak kena bawa semua benda and suddenly terbersin sambil baca tengah toleh-toleh. And guess what!!

LEHER I TERKEHEL.

Okay, I don’t know la if dia terkehel ke, or salah urat ke but now dah tak boleh nak toleh-toleh and my neck HURTS LIKE HELL!

I know right, lame gila terkehel sebab bersin je. Macam takde benda lain; jatuh tangga ke, gaduh dgn orang nak selamatkan member from kena simbah asid ke barulah cool sikit kan.

Ni dok teleng-teleng, sakit leher sebab bersin. And I seriously never have thought that this kind of thing would happen to me. Stress.

But you know what, kalau dah ditentukan Tuhan leher terkehel sebab benda macam tu je memang boleh terjadi okay. Kun Fayakun. You never know.

So one moral that I get from this is that life is full of possibilities of weirdly getting hurt.

PREPARATION

Adalah seorang lelaki ni yang pandai. Dia akan mengambil peperiksaan yang SANGAT penting lagi 4 bulan tapi dia masih dok rilek je.

"Takpe, exam lama lagi. Ada lagi dalam 4 bulan kot," katanya dalam hati. Memanglah dia risau sikit, tapi entahlah memang jenis stok malas and carefree. Tapi apa-apa pun dia concentrate lagi dalam kelas, takdelah hilang sekejap ada, sekejap takde macam Chipsmore jual kat kedai runcit. Jadi dia pun dok melahgho; main DOTA, baca komik, lepak-lepak dgn member yang sama kepala, apa-apa je aktiviti yang boleh buat dia gembira. Indulging in guilty pleasures, ya know.

Anyway, tanpa disedari masa telah berlalu dengan cepatnya dan tinggal seminggu je sebelum peperiksaan start. Haa dah start gelabah s0 dia pun mulalah belajar, buka buku, garu kepala sana sini, masuk kanan keluar masa exam.

Nak dikatakan nasib baik, result gempak pula.

Tapi, point yang nak disentuh (skema la pula macam ayat periksa je) ialah sebab dia tahu the exact date of examination jadi bolehlah prepare everything semua.

This story somehow reminds me of orang-orang yang sibuk dok enjoy masa muda diorang.

"alahh...masa mudalah kita kena enjoy babe. Bila lagi nak huhaaa, nanti dah tua dah kerepot semua benda terbatas. Time2 tu baru lah cover balik, solat dan beribadah semua mendekatkan diri kepada Tuhan. Standard lah tu."

Sesetengah orang tu, bila dah tua baru nak prepare for akhirat, nak sedar diri tu dah banyak buat dosa.

Yelahh, exam kita boleh ah prepare last minute pun takpe sebab kita tahu bila exact date tapi tarikh kita meninggalkan dunia yang indah gemalai penuh peluang namun memabukkan ini takde siapa yang tahu.

Alih2 umur tak sampai 30 dah mampus kena langgar lori or kena parang dengan saudara sendiri.

We never know, orang sekarang ramai yang gila.Sakit mental. (Ini pendapat I based on what i've read in newspapers la..but the world can be a scary place)

Oleh itu, kalau boleh at least we should try to buat amal sebanyak-sebanyaknya and buat apa yang disuruh dan meninggalkan apa yang dilarang. And i'm trying too.Its really hard but i won't stop trying still.

Ini nasihat untuk diri sendiri jugalah yang kadang2 leka dan lalai.

anyway, fikir2lah sendiri tepuk dada tanya selera.