Shiver

Have you ever thought that you would always be close to someone till the end of life, so close you thought even time could not touch the relationship? I used to have that naive hope, what a fool i was to think such thing would even exist. As time passes by, sure the relationship would remain the same but it's the people involved that are affected. People changes and so the connection between them in this circle of relation is broken. Alas, one became a shadow that eventually disappears, leaving no traits.

I don't know if she has actually changed or not. Maybe it is not significant, but there is a slight difference about her I just can sense it. I don't know. You may be tired of reading on this again, I'm also tired, really really tired but it is more exhausting to hang on something that is not certain. I don't know if we're even that close anymore. You can always cover your anguish with a broad smile on your face, till you yourself don't even know your own true feelings. Might as well break the jaw to show your genuine emotion.

I want to forget about them. Let the memories disintegrate into small particles floating in the air, and follow the wind to nowhere I can find them. Maybe you have done this, only I was a bit too late in grabbing the depressing reality. I shivered whenever i thought about this.

I'm really really tired.
It's my family, religion and perhaps my dream that keep me living on.
Because i know no matter what, they will always be by my side and the same thing i will do for them too no matter what happens.

Maybe, i have an acute BPD.

I can't sleep

I hereby start this post with a sigh.
I feel like writing something, but i really don't know what to write on. My fingers are trembling and the churning feeling inside is making me nauseous.

Trouble sleeping? But i'm not suffering from insomnia or because i'm madly in love with someone.

It tasted just the same. I wished there were some prawns in the curry maggi i ate just now.

The chemistry test tomorrow is probably during the 5th or 6th period.
I've covered enough.

Shit! The black flying bugs keep on bugging me. Shoo shoo. Where's my chopstick?

Eyes half-closed, maybe I should just sleep and stop all these foolish nonsense.

The Light Bulb

The light bulb is blinking,
trying so hard seems like it's suffocating,
to serve its purpose of life.

The bulb still emits light
but the brightness has dimmed.

I imagine it to be very shining before,
to illuminate the black room,
provide sight to the able,
share the laughter that echo,
simply to give joy to the livings.

For how long it could not care,
and the light bulb stopped functioning properly,
only the gloomy shadows to keep company.

Of course it can be brought back to the former life,
When will that be, who knows?

For someone to give back its pride.

A Horrible Dream

I woke up to find tears on my cheeks. I cried in my sleep and when i woke up i found myself still crying. The sickening feeling in my stomach would not disappear. It stayed there, like it was being glued to the wall not ready to fall down just yet. I just stared at the white ceiling. The dream i had just now was probably the worst one I have had since I started dreaming.

It was not about ghosts. In fact, there were no abnormalities of nature involved. Although I could only remember the dream vaguely, I knew it had something to do with a tragedy. A betrayal from the people I trusted and loved. I found myself not breathing properly for a couple of minutes. It quietly left me feeling all churned up.

Today was a bad day, i guess. So many things happened.

I hope I could lie down on the sand right now, and stare at the sky. Let all the innocent waves wash me up slowly and gently. Even for just an hour, it's enough.

Poem

Oho..i just finished my taekwondo training. It was really tiring, i'm pretty sure all parts of my body are gonna ache tomorrow. But it was fun and somehow i became less stress after all the physical tortures.lol.
Btw i've found a poem that really moved me.
You can read it here.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying- Charles C. Finn

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

The Silent Mind

I'm listening to Electric Feel.

Yesterday i played at the beach. It was a nice day, not too sunny or too cloudy like it was gonna rain, yet a bit windy i suppose. I walked along the shore, enjoying the heart-sinking view of the sea by every step i took. My right leg moved forward slowly followed by my left leg alternately until i found the right spot to stop.
I sat down on the brownish sand, mixed together with some small fragments of shells. Pink and white.
The waves came and go, made it refreshing for my bare legs to feel. The wind brushed softly against my face. I stared at the sky. An empty stare.
Sometimes, i tried not to think too much yet ironically that was what I ended up doing. I thought of how not to think too much and came up with ways which obviously required thinking.
I don't know. I always wonder how an empty mind really felt like.
Even it was empty, it was not always completely silent.

The song already stopped playing.

By the way, the previous post was an utter nonsense.

Nasi Goreng Patayya/Pattaya

Tadi lebih kurang pukul 9.46pm 10 minutes more or less saya pergi KFC kat college. Tapi bukan Kentucky Fried Chicken yang Twister dia sgt sedap and sangat cool kalau ada kat college tapi singkatan untuk Kolej Food Court. Pastu saya ordered Nasi Goreng Patayya/Pattaya pedas, ulang 2 kali mind you supaya kakak tu dapat tulis order betul2 and bagi dekat the guy yang rambut dia kerinting supaya dapat masak nasi goreng tu.

I waited dekat table yang berdekatan dengan perut yang lapar, sebab i didn't eat dinner dekat DS tadi (Dewan Selera=DS).
Akhinya, berbaloi juga 18 minutes menunggu Nasi Goreng Patayya/Pattaya nampak sgt sedap walaupun telur dia bungkus bentuk square. (Saya suka yang circle lagi sebenarnya).
Selepas baca doa, saya pun makan dengan semangatnya, but it was a disappoinment. Telur dia macam tak masak and tak pedas pun.

Solution: minta cili potong,

Lepas tu, i ate the Nasi Goreng dengan gembira dan went back to my room.