Petty stuff, yet

Huh..I therefore starts this post with a sigh. Again.

I found it sadly amusing that I was rather serene, though a bit disturbed by the fact that a drunk guy had actually cursed and rudely asked me questions just 10 minutes ago.
Well I was cooking sardine from a tin one, hmm not cooking just I guess heated it up ah never mind, for my dinner when my Irish housemates Kate and Emma  entered the kitchen. We talked a bit, awkwardly like I had always been nevertheless managed to conceal by my friendliness when this Anto guy came in looking pretty weird.
Of course, I decided to ignore him and continue cooking like normal, though I was feeling rather uneasy. I was right to feel uneasy.

#1 He suddenly called my name and said "that's not an Asian name gahahahaha bla fucking bla bla" something like that. Since he was drunk I thought whatever, though of course being drunk didn't give him the right to be rude and make fun of other's name but I was too introverted to care and join the conversation anyway.

#2 I ate sardine with a spinach and potato soup which I cooked proudly because it always tasted good, regardless of the fact that it's not at all complex to make didn't a bit lower my confidence. And because the potato was boiled along with the spinach, it had somewhat turned a bit green. And he said "What's that shieaat you eating?"
"It's a potato..." "Why is it green it doesn't look bla bla fucking bla..." Again, I decided to just let it go. I was wondering why I didn't feel angry though? I guessed I kind of pitied him. Kate and Emma said he should just shut his mouth and watch his language.

#3 Then, he asked me if I drink alcohol, which of course I quickly answered with a NO and he said "Why? But you're not in Malaysia fucking bla bla bla..." Apparently he has a Malaysian friend who doesn't drink at home, but here in Ireland he just drinks it anyway. Yeah, figured. No wonder he was perplexed, not that I care. Kesian mak bapak budak Malaysia tu.

He's lucky I didn't really care much much anyway. rude + blunt + somewhat crazy (not yet violent in my case anyway) = drunk
Well from this experience I discovered that my name is quite universal, I should not be indifferent and doubt people more and that green potato looks like shieaat to a drunk man. Not that I care, again with the whatever attitude.
That's why alcohol shouldn't be consumed folks. Shame you won't get to taste my tasty spinach and potato soup due to your distorted view of the dish.

A Moment of Weakness, Yet Maybe Perhaps Just Another Crappy Upsurge of Emotion

My head hurts.
I really feel like dying. Sometimes I can't bear living anymore.

Pathetic. I know.
But I'm so tired.

My head hurts.
My head hurts.


Oh God...why won't they take my words seriously?
I've been trying to, for years. Why couldn't they see it?
Why? Why? Why?
Am I that unworthy, that I can't even receive a bit of their time and concern?


My head hurts and I'm so tired.

Here I am pleading for help, yet no one blinks an eye.

Just now I was moved to tears because someone brought me dinner; even if it was just leftover.
There is still hope. Just a bit more.
Maybe things will get better. But every time, my gaze is getting lower and lower, in a narrow defeat.

I'm better off alone, and people are better off without me?
Someone like me, so full of crap and bitterness will just make people tired. I guess I haven't changed at all.
Let's just fake the smile and warmth like I've been doing for years.

Trust me, it's really not that hard. Because some people are just too easy to be fooled. So foolish.

Yeap another reason why I chose this profession. Even if I can't help myself, at least I can help to heal others pain. Even if it's just physical. And not living a useless life.

I hope this is just another phase of my biography, where in the future I will glance back and just laugh about my own foolishness.

FUCK. Maybe I do need to see a counselor.

It seems I have a grudge against my bed and the cold air

Well this strip below may depict what I sincerely mean..

Huh..lately I slept a lot. I mean really, a lot it almost seemed like that was really the only thing I did when I had a free time for the past few weeks.  Have I finally come to a sleeping phase in my life?

This really, though my outer appearance did not convey this even a bit, disquieted me. Sometimes I missed a class due to overslept, I didn't study much, and apparently I had somehow gained weight and my clothes felt pretty tight, though I think that was probably because it had shrank. I had tried to avoid this sleeping addiction, yet invariably always ended up sleeping anyway. 

With only a bit of self-discipline and a strong will, I know I can overcome this. But I'm really lacking in those aspects. When you combine a warm fuzzy bed with a cold air, it results in a lie in and sleeping addiction, seriously. 

Bad bed! 

It is childish and immature to blame the bed and the cold air for my laziness, which without a doubt was due to the lack of discipline in myself. Anyway, since I can't change the weather, I've somewhat decided, after a short consideration of the possible consequences that might befall me, that I'm going to avoid my bed for one whole week. Which means, I absolutely cannot sit or lie on my bed regardless of what the circumstances might be because the obvious inevitable resultant would leave me in a deep turmoil.

This is the only way, I guess.

My first post after a long dot

Here I am back again in my blog.

I checked on all the posts that i've put up here in my blog, and realized that almost all of it contained non-stop complaining, yet there were still people who read and give supports albeit the fact that they may have been depressing to read.

How could I not realize it, all of this while I was searching for this so-called true friends, I have had them already right under my big nose. If I had only looked closer.

The world worked in such an unfriendly and unparalleled way, that it chose the loss of priceless and valuable friends as an object lesson to awake me from my long self-delusions.

Why didn't I realize it earlier?

Yet, there I was mumbling of how I wasn't being myself and that I was hiding from the rest of the world, while the fact was that it had been me all along.

Somehow, everything little things that i'm mentioning right now sound so shallow. So fucking shallow.

Thank you Leana, Aiman, Azrul, Zahid, Ron, Crayon, H, anonymous and other writers who commented on my blogs. I'm sorry i hadn't been able to appreciate your presence.

Thank you so much for the companionship. You may have left this blog already, but even so please know i'm always grateful for your ever honest concern.

p/s: if you're reading this, how about coming to my house over this summer? i'll treat you guys for something delicious lol. seriously.

Forever and Ever

I'm depressed thinking about my future. And so i've composed (cewahh..) a depressing song. If you're wondering what the song is about, when you read the title you'll know.

Forever Alone

Intro: Em Am

Em

I'm gonna be forever alone

Am

Gazing through the hazy windows

G

Waiting for someone to come

Em

So many lonely nights spent

Am

With the dimmed stars on my side

G

And I sigh

C

Forever alone

D Em

Forever alone

Am D7

Forever alone

Em

Forever alone....

I know i'm being ridiculously ridiculous, but after what i've been through i can't help feeling like this.

Maybe i tried too hard. Maybe i should just follow the flow.

Maybe i should just forget about all this complicated relationship stuffs, study, work and become rich, find myself an ideal husband and just get married je terus when i'm 27.

Trapped

I know the truth, but my overwhelming emotion and ego are blinding me from seeing it clearly.

And so i remain trapped in my own foolishness.

Classmates

Watching the identical..almost identical faces of Korean popstars reminded me of the orientation week when i enrolled in KMB.

During orientatation, as expected there were a lot of typical and compulsory activities that you basically had to do; ice breaking and some other activities that i couldn't remember.

Anyway, towards the end after all the freshies were already distributed into respective classes we had to sit in circles facing our own classmates.

I still remember what was on my mind as i followed each and every strange and new face, one by one that eventually would leave an amazing and unforgettable memories.

'Alamak...takde sorang pun yang handsome. Asal semua muka nampak sama ni...Habislah macam mana nak ingat nama sorang2.Yang perempuan lagilah nasib ada Suraya.."

(Suraya was in the same school as i was)

I don't know was it because of nervousness and so everythin

g was blurred or was it because there was nothing that i can base on to differentiate them.

As we got to know each other, thanks to their distinctive personalities and other characteristics i managed to remember their names well haha.

Well anyway these are my classmates

anyway, samurai champloo is awesome