Wandering

The truth is, no matter how sucks your life is you still have to live it. To live, not just living it emptily, without any scintillating urge like bubbles flowing out of an excessive-amount-of-shampoo and water filled bathtub but to welcome life as it comes. To embrace it, because living in a world where there are no expectations, no thinking and spirited soul with your eyes charcoal black and no sparkles, or fire is not significant. It's just an exhausted and tired body with a malfunction and perhaps malnourished soul, an omnivorous-no-human-meat zombie.

It is not significant.

Just walking around, abiding orders and following other people's blatantly high expectations and needs to at least fit the perfect role in the society.

'At least there is something in life that i can do before the time comes where i can finally find true happiness, my passion, my love, something that i do to live and something that i live to do and do not mind doing it for the rest of my life. For the time being, i'll just play the role.'

But until when should this continue? The smiles and laughters, though genuine sometimes but mostly disguised the emotion that I was feeling inside. It was never entirely honest happiness and overwhelming joy. It was never completely, there will always be this sickening feeling inside like there is a hole buried in the chest and stomach.

After the fun is over, you sit and stare emptily. Nothing to see, nothing to feel and sigh.

And the whole cycle continues until you finish your studies in high school and university and for the next years to come.

And here i am sitting and staring emptily and sigh.

Regardless, much appreciation for the people who came like sunshine with a sincere smile to give and share the joy through out this seemingly never ending journey. Thank you, you don't know how much it means. Even so, i have nothing to return, just perhaps to laugh when jokes are given and try as much to see them smile. Although gradually, inevitably and unintentionally i'm imbibing and sucking in their energy, leaving them with sad eyes in the end. Then, the rude awakening comes and they left.Or I left them.

It's just the way i am. I can barely take care of myself, how do you expect me to care for other people? But this won't go on forever. I just need to know when this will stop.

I can live with it, or can't i?

Although there is always another option to leave everything behind, and start a new life somewhere or go to Afghanistan as a volunteer to help the victims and probably die as a martyr or I don't know. Travelling and living as a contented street musician, a satisfied waiter or anything. The only thing left is the guts to do it.