Perhaps

Lately, my life has not been well.

No.

In fact, it has not been well for a long time already. And lately it has been worse. I've been crying a lot these days.
Crying and crying and crying till my eyes hurt.

Things did not work out as i had planned, with so much hope. Now i know why we should not have such a high expectation, because when you failed it was terribly painful to bear. The
more you hope, the more you're going to get disappointed. It was like a cannon ball had hit my stomach, and stayed there leaving me suffocated.

The thing is, the situation i am currently in now is not really as bad as it seems. In fact i should be happy because i'm fortunate enough to achieve this. What made the tears fell down
was that i had the opportunity to do better and make the best out of the situation, but i wasted it.

I had the chance, and i blew it.
Definitely not something to be proud of.

Anyway, I've got no one to blame but myself. For being ignorant and oblivious and taking things for granted. Now i had to pay the price.
To me, the worst feeling that you can feel is not sadness nor is it disappointment or anger or heartbroken and other kind of emotions, but the feeling of remorse. The feeling of regret.
Because you know it is always too late.

As the saying goes, 'Nasi sudah menjadi bubur.'
But just because it has become a porridge, doesn't mean it is no longer eatable. Improvise. Add some chickens, black pepper etc. Make it into something else and not just accepting it as a
plain porridge, in fact it might taste even better than the rice. In the end, the objective is still achieved that is to eat. To eliminate the hunger.
(ok..this is crappy but anyway)

Perhaps this is a new beginning for something even better.
Perhaps.
I've got nothing to lose by hoping and trying again, maybe just another set of disappoinment and a bucket full of tears but definitely not regret. No more of it.
The greatest challenge is yet to come. I'll do my best.