A State of Daze

Having absent for so long from the world of blog, I seem to be at lost for words. 

I suppose I will start with writing what I did today.

The morning started with a bronchoscopy session where you inserted a camera into the windpipe of someone to check for the condition of the respiratory tract, whether there are any abnormalities i.e tumour present. Anyway the consultant asked me and a final year medical student on Pulmonary Fibrosis which I had not covered so well in the past years. 

Actually, at one point in the past I would have been able to answer most of his questions but as you progress through the course, whatever that you've learnt before is somewhat 'replaced' sort of with new information and I think that's what happened to me anyway. You just could not remember.

Anyway, the conclusion of the story is that I was rather stupid this morning. 

He asked both of us to read on PF and come back after 25 minutes with the answers. And so we did and it went well.

And I thought that it was not so bad.

Anyway, I got to talk to the forever-cheerful Ginger who was holding two large trays of sandwiched to give to the nurse during lunch break. So rajin right? He is such an exemplary student.

During the evening tutorial, the tutor asked a lot of questions which I could answer half-half. BUT, the other students could answer most of them.

Another conclusion, maybe I am stupid. Not just this morning but for the rest of the day.

Nah. I just need to read a BIT more, probably just need to finish the 200+ pages of Rang and Dale's Pharmacology and 300+ pages of Davidson's and everything will be grand.

Not that much really. *ketawahambar*

You see, for the past few weeks I had been in a daze. Where every morning I would wake up, brush my teeth, take a shower, do whatever that I have to do for the day at the hospital, go back home, study a bit, and sleep.

Each day for the past few weeks, it had continued like this. 

I feel that everything started when I did my plastic surgery rotation. Prior to that week, my ambition was to become a plastic surgeon. Unfortunately, watching the surgeons did their work was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be and made me second guess my dream to become a plastic surgeon. This, therefore gave birth to the relentless state of daze that I was in.

I lost focus and did not perform at my fullest capacity. Initially, I kept on wondering why I am doing this? Why go to the hospital? For what purpose really? I could not think clearly sometimes. Progressing through the days with so many assignments to do, so many books and cases to study with such a limited time to think about this long-term planning and goal, I became a translucent being.

If I could describe myself right now, it would be translucent. Metaphorically of course. Because right now, I am just following the flow. And whenever I have a free time, I would either study, socialize or sleep for the sake of it. Doing the bare minimum to survive.

I do know that I want to become a surgeon. But the will to do it is no longer as strong as it was before. I need to redefine my goal, so I could concentrate again.

If this state of daze continues, I might get left behind while the rest of the students march forward to the end of the line.

Why Not?

Sometimes I don't feel like living, but that doesn't mean I want to die either.
I read this quote that I read in this dude's Facebook favorite quotation

"Before you try dying, try living."

So before I die at least I want to contribute something to the society, ya know.

I think I have talents in acting and writing.
Reason:
I won first place in an acting competition when I was young and my teacher said I was good at acting.
My mom said I have an interesting blog and I always get high marks for essays when it comes to fiction.
And I believe human beings have an infinite amount of potential to do everything they want. The only barrier is that those are hidden behind the laziness and lack of willingness.

So I've decided that I want to become a GREAT doctor and a part-time writer as well. Such a waste to have developed a complicated and interesting wonderland in my head, yet unable to share it with the world. HAHAHA

My sister is an artist and my mom is a novelist.
I have connections to both worlds which I think will be enormously favorable for me to venture in and step forward.

So InsyaAllah with God's will, I'll become one with talents and hard work. Why not?

Dear Blog and A Song

Hey again. 

I have long ignored this blog of mine. And hence, I guess I owe it a apology.

Dear blog, I am sorry. I know I have not been showering you with a lot of love-in this case perhaps posts would be more appropriate. I do miss you but please understand my lack of creativity and willpower to write even one post. Your silent response and willingness to accept my apology by allowing me to write this, I am forever grateful.

Something sad happened yesterday. But I don't think I should reveal it here.

Anyway, since this blog received very few views I am not so shy to post a.....

Cover of me singing one of my favourite songs!

This is a cover of a song called Driving by Olivia. In the middle of singing, I suddenly got nervous and forgot the lyric haha. 

That is all. For you who is reading this, I hope you're in pink of health:)

Please Come Out

When I think of you,
my heart skips a beat.

I want to see you,
but you always play hide and seek.

Jumping from one date to another,
you're so full of mystery.

I don't mind if you're 70, 85 or even 100,
heck I like you more if you're 100!

I hope you start with A,
because I don't like other alphabets.

But I'm going to accept you somehow,
because you're a reflection of myself.

You don't have to show yourself to everybody,
just for my eyes only.

Don't be shy,
I've waited too long.

So please pretty please my dear EXAM RESULTS, please come out,
and give my heart some peace.

The Barrenness of Each Day in Times of Holiday

The hecticness of the past weeks had somehow consumed me in a way that left me drained of energy. Hours of sleepless nights working my brain out so I won't shed too much tears at the end of the line (when the result of examinations come up) and now I'm pretty much sleeping all the time. Falling into a deep quiescence.

I could still remember, in one of my OHANA this one sentence that froze me for a second, for I was stupid enough not to recognize the one simple fact :-
'Kelapangan itu jalan kepada kemaksiatan'

How true it is! For when even for the shortest moment when we're seemingly free from any kind of obligations, we ceaselessly drown ourselves in deceitful joy and pleasure. Some of us.
Why is it deceitful you  may ask?
As much as I want to believe it has brought upon me a great happiness, it was not real. For I believe real happiness can only be gained through any acts that strengthen your relationship with God.
My, my, and I ponder the barrenness of each day in times of holiday in my life so far.


For when I close my eyes
Oblivious to the arid life surrounding me
I become nothingness
Void of any emotion of some sort

Averting regret and sorrow
and gloom and sadness
Waiting for a day when futility
is nothing more than just a word

A deep somber is all I need for now
Oblivious to the arid life surrounding me
I become nothingness
Void of any emotion of some sort
A fraudulent escapee
against myself

Love Again

And your heart skips a beat
As his glance meets your eyes
Could he know?
Oh but I wish he would

So I can save all this uneasiness
Hours of hopeful reverie
Hoping for a future
With us in the picture

Ah I give up on love. Love as in between lovers kind of love.
I think love is one of the biggest paradoxes in life, don't you agree?
It makes you happy and sad at the same time.
It makes you smile and cry the next day.
It makes you angry yet, you always go back to that person.
You hate him and then you like him.
You're a rational and also a crazy person.
You have a friend, and then a lover, and then a stranger.

Why do I have to face this again? Shit I hate love relationships, especially one-sided and temporary ones. Everyone gets hurt in this kind of relationship. The one whose love is not returned and the one who is unable to return the love. You used to become friends and hang out and have fun until it becomes something else and now you don't even talk to each other. Anger is sparked, hope is diminished, grudge is seeded, and trust is locked deep inside the soul.

This is a most common love relationship graph that I made according to my own interpretation of it.

A: if the relationship continues
B: if the relationship ends
a: when you get to know each other
b: conflicts: hesitation whether this is love or not, false assumptions and the best part since you're trying to woo the guy
c: honeymoon stage yeah baby
d: comfort zone where you often take your partner for granted
e: misunderstandings
f: reconciliation
g: conclusion: break up or continue

I like graphs and mathematics. But I can't figure out a love equation because I'm not experienced enough haha. I heard one of my friends is getting married and it makes me nervous. I don't think about this before but now I think I have to. I'll just ask my parents to find someone I can marry when I'm 26. It's permanent (hopefully) and the best way to have a good family.
Leading a single life as a career woman doesn't sound so bad either.

I want a bit of rainbow

Oh my god...6 more days and I'll be on the plane to my home country. I can't help feeling scared and excited at the same time.

Anyway, during the 3 months break I'm thinking of making some money. Well, I don't really know what sort of job I can do that won't consume a lot of my time. I thought of writing a book or something, like my mom. I really do hope I possess her marvellous talent in writing as well and she can guide me too. So, it will be really convenient.

BUT IF I CAN'T WRITE A BOOK, what work can I do? Working in a bakery previously was quite okay, but I won't be able to take care of my younger siblings. But I do need some cash to go on a road trip around Malaysia, or at least to some of the nearer states.
Or maybe I should use my current savings right now. I don't want my youth to be dull and boring...it won't be a good story to be told to my future grandchildren.

I don't know
Oh my youth is fading away
Resembling the pale grey colour on an old photograph

How I feel so restless
And the sighs as loyal companions
Please, I want to walk on the striking rainbow