steals my boredom away

My first post after a long dot

2012-02-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

Here I am back again in my blog.

I checked on all the posts that i've put up here in my blog, and realized that almost all of it contained non-stop complaining, yet there were still people who read and give supports albeit the fact that they may have been depressing to read.

How could I not realize it, all of this while I was searching for this so-called true friends, I have had them already right under my big nose. If I had only looked closer.

The world worked in such an unfriendly and unparalleled way, that it chose the loss of priceless and valuable friends as an object lesson to awake me from my long self-delusions.

Why didn't I realize it earlier?

Yet, there I was mumbling of how I wasn't being myself and that I was hiding from the rest of the world, while the fact was that it had been me all along.

Somehow, everything little things that i'm mentioning right now sound so shallow. So fucking shallow.

Thank you Leana, Aiman, Azrul, Zahid, Ron, Crayon, H, anonymous and other writers who commented on my blogs. I'm sorry i hadn't been able to appreciate your presence.

Thank you so much for the companionship. You may have left this blog already, but even so please know i'm always grateful for your ever honest concern.

p/s: if you're reading this, how about coming to my house over this summer? i'll treat you guys for something delicious lol. seriously.

Forever and Ever

2011-07-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

I'm depressed thinking about my future. And so i've composed (cewahh..) a depressing song. If you're wondering what the song is about, when you read the title you'll know.

Forever Alone

Intro: Em Am

I'm gonna be forever alone

Gazing through the hazy windows

Waiting for someone to come

So many lonely nights spent

With the dimmed stars on my side

And I sigh

Forever alone

D Em

Forever alone

Am D7

Forever alone

Forever alone....

I know i'm being ridiculously ridiculous, but after what i've been through i can't help feeling like this.

Maybe i tried too hard. Maybe i should just follow the flow.

Maybe i should just forget about all this complicated relationship stuffs, study, work and become rich, find myself an ideal husband and just get married je terus when i'm 27.

Trapped

2011-07-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

I know the truth, but my overwhelming emotion and ego are blinding me from seeing it clearly.

And so i remain trapped in my own foolishness.

Classmates

2011-06-04T02:32:00.001-07:00

Watching the identical..almost identical faces of Korean popstars reminded me of the orientation week when i enrolled in KMB.

During orientatation, as expected there were a lot of typical and compulsory activities that you basically had to do; ice breaking and some other activities that i couldn't remember.

Anyway, towards the end after all the freshies were already distributed into respective classes we had to sit in circles facing our own classmates.

I still remember what was on my mind as i followed each and every strange and new face, one by one that eventually would leave an amazing and unforgettable memories.

'Alamak...takde sorang pun yang handsome. Asal semua muka nampak sama ni...Habislah macam mana nak ingat nama sorang2.Yang perempuan lagilah nasib ada Suraya.."

(Suraya was in the same school as i was)

I don't know was it because of nervousness and so everythin

g was blurred or was it because there was nothing that i can base on to differentiate them.

As we got to know each other, thanks to their distinctive personalities and other characteristics i managed to remember their names well haha.

Well anyway these are my classmates

anyway, samurai champloo is awesome

PETTY STUFF

2011-05-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

(late entry due to low internet connection on that day-one week before IB ended)

Oh my god...I swear today was just the most stupid day of my life!

I tengah baca surat BTN, check apa barang nak kena bawa semua benda and suddenly terbersin sambil baca tengah toleh-toleh. And guess what!!

LEHER I TERKEHEL.

Okay, I don’t know la if dia terkehel ke, or salah urat ke but now dah tak boleh nak toleh-toleh and my neck HURTS LIKE HELL!

I know right, lame gila terkehel sebab bersin je. Macam takde benda lain; jatuh tangga ke, gaduh dgn orang nak selamatkan member from kena simbah asid ke barulah cool sikit kan.

Ni dok teleng-teleng, sakit leher sebab bersin. And I seriously never have thought that this kind of thing would happen to me. Stress.

But you know what, kalau dah ditentukan Tuhan leher terkehel sebab benda macam tu je memang boleh terjadi okay. Kun Fayakun. You never know.

So one moral that I get from this is that life is full of possibilities of weirdly getting hurt.

PREPARATION

2011-05-22T04:35:00.000-07:00

Adalah seorang lelaki ni yang pandai. Dia akan mengambil peperiksaan yang SANGAT penting lagi 4 bulan tapi dia masih dok rilek je.

"Takpe, exam lama lagi. Ada lagi dalam 4 bulan kot," katanya dalam hati. Memanglah dia risau sikit, tapi entahlah memang jenis stok malas and carefree. Tapi apa-apa pun dia concentrate lagi dalam kelas, takdelah hilang sekejap ada, sekejap takde macam Chipsmore jual kat kedai runcit. Jadi dia pun dok melahgho; main DOTA, baca komik, lepak-lepak dgn member yang sama kepala, apa-apa je aktiviti yang boleh buat dia gembira. Indulging in guilty pleasures, ya know.

Anyway, tanpa disedari masa telah berlalu dengan cepatnya dan tinggal seminggu je sebelum peperiksaan start. Haa dah start gelabah s0 dia pun mulalah belajar, buka buku, garu kepala sana sini, masuk kanan keluar masa exam.

Nak dikatakan nasib baik, result gempak pula.

Tapi, point yang nak disentuh (skema la pula macam ayat periksa je) ialah sebab dia tahu the exact date of examination jadi bolehlah prepare everything semua.

This story somehow reminds me of orang-orang yang sibuk dok enjoy masa muda diorang.

"alahh...masa mudalah kita kena enjoy babe. Bila lagi nak huhaaa, nanti dah tua dah kerepot semua benda terbatas. Time2 tu baru lah cover balik, solat dan beribadah semua mendekatkan diri kepada Tuhan. Standard lah tu."

Sesetengah orang tu, bila dah tua baru nak prepare for akhirat, nak sedar diri tu dah banyak buat dosa.

Yelahh, exam kita boleh ah prepare last minute pun takpe sebab kita tahu bila exact date tapi tarikh kita meninggalkan dunia yang indah gemalai penuh peluang namun memabukkan ini takde siapa yang tahu.

Alih2 umur tak sampai 30 dah mampus kena langgar lori or kena parang dengan saudara sendiri.

We never know, orang sekarang ramai yang gila.Sakit mental. (Ini pendapat I based on what i've read in newspapers la..but the world can be a scary place)

Oleh itu, kalau boleh at least we should try to buat amal sebanyak-sebanyaknya and buat apa yang disuruh dan meninggalkan apa yang dilarang. And i'm trying too.Its really hard but i won't stop trying still.

Ini nasihat untuk diri sendiri jugalah yang kadang2 leka dan lalai.

anyway, fikir2lah sendiri tepuk dada tanya selera.

End of IB

2011-05-22T03:53:00.000-07:00

IB examination ended last Friday for MEDIC BUSINESS students.

Everyone was happy and somewhat, i guess it was quite unbelievable.

Through out the two years, there were always times (quite a lot in fact) of complaining; when the torture will disappear and hoping for the end of it, yet when the time had come instead of feeling euphoric i was overwhelmed with sadness and frankly it was all quite fuzzy.

Never has it occurred in my mind that I was going to say this but...I think I am really going to miss KMB.

Despite of it being in the middle of ladang kelapa sawit,

despite of the small rooms which were sometimes surrounded by weird looking and flying insects and non-stop sound of crickets,

despite of the frogs, snails and ulat-ulat along the pathway to academic building,

despite of the unamusing procedures of filling the coloured forms to go out and early curfew,

despite of kena grounded kalau tak ikut procedure (even though i managed to escape one),

despite of the endless pressure and tears,

without doubt it has taught me a lot of things.

It made me think.

In my opinion, being adhered in just one place limits the way of one's thinking, bounded by the distinctive culture and perception of a particular society. Although there is a variety of types of people yet, it is hard to broaden your knowledge just by that.

Right now, i want to travel and have a taste of the world.

Even if it is just a coup d'oeil.

Meet different kinds of people, different way of perceiving things, basically just different in any kind of aspect.

I am thirsty for an adventure, for something new.

I don't know. I need to have a proper plan first though.

Being impromptu is the worst plan of all, although it will get my butt out of the house and start immediately.

Taking a Deep Breath

2011-04-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

It is really painful to see someone that you love and care very much suffer. Her anguish look, often lacking of a genuine smile that seemingly oblivious to other people, her low unenthusiastic voice accompanied by her sorrowful eyes always staring sideways and the spirit that is gradually vanishing like a small flame on an almost completely burnt firewood.

The thing that sucks is that you know she needs help but you can't really do anything much to change the situation. You try to help in your own way, but often it does not give the effect that you had wanted. Sometimes you can be so busy, selfish and self absorbed with your own business that you tend to forget about it. And in the end, you just cry along with her.

Crying in your own effete and watching her sinking lower in her dark solitude.

Nevertheless, i guess there should be no last stop to keep on trying. There are always other alternatives. But you can only hope it is not too late by the time you have found it.

IMY

2011-02-18T07:51:00.000-08:00

Man...i kept on typing and then deleting it and then typing something else and deleting it again, why the hell is there a 'backspace' button??

Okay, what i meant was :why am i being indecisive?

Gladly i can finally start collecting back all the points that i'm gonna talk about in here.

First of all, this is my first time blogging in 2011. It's kinda awesome.

Uh..i can't seem to write anything. All the words are there in my mind, only they are flying like mad with a broken gear. I just want to scrabble everything out, but then it would not make sense and i would sound like a total retard with grammatical errors.

But one thing i want to express on is how can i let go of this 'i miss you' feeling? Huh.

Seriously.

A New Year

2010-12-31T09:58:00.000-08:00

A new year.

Kalau refer to the last couple of years, time-time mcm ni la sibuk2 nak buat resolution panjang2 atas kertas a4 guna macam2 magic colour, atau pun kat diari. Nak kurus lah, nak jadi lebih rajin, tak nak tinggal solat lah, nak belajar bersungguh-sungguh, biaq dapat result baguih-baguih. Nak ni lah, nak tu lah mcm2...dan-dan semangat membara-bara bila awal2 masuk tahun baru. Tup tap tup tap lepas hampir setengah tahun, azam entah ke mana kertas entah ke mana, last2 hapak pun tada. kalau ada pun sikit2 je lahh

Lepas tuh bila nak masuk tahun baru lepas tu, mulalah start balik. Paling tak tahan ulang balik benda yang sama kan.Kadang2 tu bajet je lebih nak buat semua benda. Memanglah benda tu possible, tapi tu lah kadang2 ajak-ajak ayam je.Muka je lebih. Ehhh mengeluh aku fikir balik..teruk betul. memalukan.

So, maybe this year tiada lagilah.cuma yang penting2 yang aku sendiri tahu memang wajib dan memang nak buat dan terpaksa buat. sebab kalau tak buat meranalah hidup untuk hari2 yang akan datang.

And salah satunya melupakan memori2 sedih dan teruskan hidup dan mencari teman baru.

Anyway Happy New Year.. Hopefully this year will bring much more happiness and joy:D

Wandering

2010-12-23T02:14:00.000-08:00

The truth is, no matter how sucks your life is you still have to live it. To live, not just living it emptily, without any scintillating urge like bubbles flowing out of an excessive-amount-of-shampoo and water filled bathtub but to welcome life as it comes. To embrace it, because living in a world where there are no expectations, no thinking and spirited soul with your eyes charcoal black and no sparkles, or fire is not significant. It's just an exhausted and tired body with a malfunction and perhaps malnourished soul, an omnivorous-no-human-meat zombie.

It is not significant.

Just walking around, abiding orders and following other people's blatantly high expectations and needs to at least fit the perfect role in the society.

'At least there is something in life that i can do before the time comes where i can finally find true happiness, my passion, my love, something that i do to live and something that i live to do and do not mind doing it for the rest of my life. For the time being, i'll just play the role.'

But until when should this continue? The smiles and laughters, though genuine sometimes but mostly disguised the emotion that I was feeling inside. It was never entirely honest happiness and overwhelming joy. It was never completely, there will always be this sickening feeling inside like there is a hole buried in the chest and stomach.

After the fun is over, you sit and stare emptily. Nothing to see, nothing to feel and sigh.

And the whole cycle continues until you finish your studies in high school and university and for the next years to come.

And here i am sitting and staring emptily and sigh.

Regardless, much appreciation for the people who came like sunshine with a sincere smile to give and share the joy through out this seemingly never ending journey. Thank you, you don't know how much it means. Even so, i have nothing to return, just perhaps to laugh when jokes are given and try as much to see them smile. Although gradually, inevitably and unintentionally i'm imbibing and sucking in their energy, leaving them with sad eyes in the end. Then, the rude awakening comes and they left.Or I left them.

It's just the way i am. I can barely take care of myself, how do you expect me to care for other people? But this won't go on forever. I just need to know when this will stop.

I can live with it, or can't i?

Although there is always another option to leave everything behind, and start a new life somewhere or go to Afghanistan as a volunteer to help the victims and probably die as a martyr or I don't know. Travelling and living as a contented street musician, a satisfied waiter or anything. The only thing left is the guts to do it.

The Widely Used Word With Initial L

2010-12-01T05:03:00.001-08:00

I read Faisal Tehrani's short story 'Datang dari sukma masuk menyelinap sukma'. One of those slice of life type of story, yet the way Faisal wrote it was amazing and it touched my heart.

It's stated in there: Satu hadis diriwayatkan oleh Abi Dawud yang berbunyi,'Andai seseorang daripada kamu mencintai sahabatnya kerana Allah, maka hendaklah kamu memberitahunya'. And then, the guy in the story said 'Demi Allah, aku mencintaimu sahabatku.' I don't know why, i think it's really sweet and wonderful. The word is cliche enough, i've heard it more than i can count yet perhaps the extra addition of the statement that your niat is for Allah that makes it special.

After all, it is love that bonds all people together regardless of their different skin colours. It is love that makes us put a blanket on a sleeping friend on one cold morning. It is love that trigger us to donate our money and help other people. Love is wide in a sense that it's not restricted to human beings only. One sentence he wrote that i really liked was 'tolong jangan tafsirkan cinta seperti di Barat...yang berakhir dgn tilam, bantal dan dosa' or something like that. I mean this is really what's happening to young people nowadays. I'm not blaming all the male species, but they are mostly what persuade the girls to do it. 'If you love me, you will do it with me' or something like that directly or indirectly. Of course, it will be followed by some other unrealistically promising and complimenting words. Then the poor naive girls, also engulfed in their own concupiscence will fall into the trap that will haunt them forever for the rest of their lives.

Albeit you're a guy,and he's a guy too you can say you love him it's okay it doesn't mean that you're gay or something. LOL.

2010-12-01T05:03:00.000-08:00

I read Faisal Tehrani's short story 'Datang dari sukma masuk menyelinap sukma'. One of those slice of life type of story, yet the way Faisal wrote it was amazing and it touched my heart.

Albeit you're a guy,and he's a guy too you can say you love him it's okay it doesn't mean that you're gay or something. LOL.

STRESS

2010-11-14T06:15:00.000-08:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Damn it...!!

I's so stressed because i'm stressed about something i should not stress about! and it sucks because i can't get it out of mind. and it sucks because it keeps me from doing something more incredibly important like my assignments. and it sucks because not finishing my assignments will add to my already fucking high level of stress. And it sucks because this can cause the production of excess sebum which can cause pimples on my face.

Shit!
Tomorrow morning i'll go jog and clear my mind and just forget about it and feel awesome about myself! Haha

Btw to those who read my blog. Thanks although it's full of craps. It's meant to be full of craps anyway but i'll try to post something more informational next time.
If you have anything to say, email me at diane_asilah@yahoo.com

kereta

2010-11-13T04:01:00.000-08:00

OMG i tercalarkan my mom's car.. matilaaahhhh.
tomorrrow akan basuh kereta sebersih-bersihnya, biar sampai berkilat macam gigi iklan colgate, biar my mom senyum gembira bila tengok. Lepas tu baru bagitahuu. Oh tuhan tolong lahhh kuatkan semangat apabila tibanya waktu itu.=.=
Amin

moving on

2010-11-12T09:43:00.001-08:00

He is always so optimistic about life. Always. So..
He moved on.
He found another girl that can make him smile.

I'm happy for him.
I should be. I just dont know why i'm feeling so sad.
Bloody pathetic!

I had always thought that i had done the right thing.
I hope i did. Or maybe i really didnt do anything much.

Life is like a journey on a train, the way i see it sometimes. On your way to your destination, people come and go. Some will be with you till the train stops at the next station, some perhaps longer while the others are maybe just connected by a decent yet hopeful smile. But one or a few will stay with u till the end. Only, u never know when u will stop.

Regardless of anything, sometimes u just have to move on. If u cant, learn how to.

I want to share a quote that i'd found in a very special book. It's nt related pun dgn kat atas,bt wtv.
'Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what i wanted-to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself'
by eugene o'neill

No#

2010-10-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

1#
I wonder what i'm supposed to express in here.
Man i'm bored.

2#
Oh!

3#
Salam Ummu! Just in case you're reading this, please know that you're kinda awesome as our class's naqibah. I'm glad to have you in usrah. Yeay! Bila nak ada kelas bahasa arab lagi?
I've forgotten a lot of the words already.

4#
Diaphanous : so thin as to transmit light
Obtuse: angle between 90 to 180, slow to learn
Obstinate : stubborn
Refulgent : radiating

These are the words that i had learnt from Iyas. He knew it from Graduate Record Examination and these not-so-well-known-words are dominating the questions. Damn! I hope he'll pass it without too much headache. Goodluck Iyas. He's a smart ass i'm sure he can do it.

5#
I'm going to a saloon tomorrow. Yeay!
Gonna relax my hair and cut a bit.

6#
Dear darkly daft diarrheic daredevil dodo drives damn daringly dangerous. Dang!

7#
Gonna stop here and sleep.

Interview

2010-10-04T02:57:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah. I just realized i've never really wrote much about the obvious stuffs in my life. Okay well here it goes.
I applied to do a degree in Ireland before this. I was expecting a full course but i mananged to get a placement for a twinning program between ACMS and National University of Ireland, Galway. 2 1/2 years in Ireland and another 2 1/2 years in ACMS, Penang. I should be grateful for that although i was pretty fucking disappointed.

Anyway, I attended the interview last month and i think what i said was full of craps. Hahaha.
The Irish interviewers were really friendly, so after a while i was a lot less nervous than the moment i entered the interview room. I swore my heart was beating so fast, i could only hear 'dup dup dup' so i didn't really catch their words when the amiable interviewers were introducing their names.

Just ' Hey I'm Profe..DUP..DUP ..Please..DUP..DUP..a seat'
Then i thought 'Shit! what the heck was his name again? '
I was really sorry, i knew i should have been more focused.

Some of the dialogue that i can still remember, (please know that due to a very very acute dementia that i have because it's happened a month ago, the words might not be the exact same words, but they pretty much gave the same meaning)
* means what i was thinking

Interviewer (I): Okay, so have you encountered a situation where you have to make a very important decision?(with a quite strong Irish accent)

Me (M): Well, i think in every situation we have to consider every option that we have and the possible consequences...(crapping)...for example if a mother is about to give birth, and she somewhat has complications where it might affect the lives of the mother or the baby if it is continued and..

I: Okay..but do you know that is a very rare condition, it's very unlikely to happen?

Me: *what?! WHAT?! BUT I ALWAYS SAW THAT IN THE MOVIES...!!!*
Well, but it might just happen..

I: Okay, so what would you do in this kind of situation, although it's really truly a rare condition so what would you do?

(I think the interviewers were somewhat grinning a bit)

Me: Uh..(then i continued my answers)

That's all. There were some more but i think this was the most embarrassing one because it showed that i still have a lonnnngg way to go and that the TV drama is full of bullshits.
And guess what, in a court actually the lawyers are not allowed to walk high and low. They are supposed to stay in a box, and even their hands are not supposed to move. This is according to a friend of mine who is taking a degree in law.

Damn you, TV drama! DAMN YOU!
(okay..emo terlebih pula. Mcm lah tv drama tu hidupkan)

Anyway, last week I was informed that i got it. (Yeay..thank you so much interviewers for giving me a chance!) It's a conditional offer though, I can continue there provided that my final IB result is 36 and above and my IELTS in 6.5 and above. Now, it's all up to me.
I'll strive dude...and fly!

Some more craps - The End

2010-10-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

I wish I can write everything here. Just spit it all out you know.
The ugly truth.
But i can't, because I'm scared.

Hm. It's not really ugly though. But with the aid of a somewhat twisted delusional mind and an unstable mood like a volcano just waiting to explode, it looks ugly.

Anyway, I just want to apologize to you. For hurting your feelings, because i know i did. It hurt me too. You might not believe this though. In fact i thought about it almost everyday.
It's a burden to think about it.
I'm tired and i know you're tired too. So, why not we just end it all?
Easier.For all of us.
In the end all i wanted is for you to treat me as a friend. Is that so hard?
I don't want more than that. Just a fucking friend that i can hang out and be me without having to pretend. I want the guilt to disappear.
I guess itu pun tak boleh juga.

I know it's gonna end like that. It always did.
The same ending, over and over again.
I don't want to lose you, really.
Then again, just like a friend of mine said life is already sad as it is. I have problems and trust me you're gonna be better, a lot better with someone else.
You might think you know me well, but trust me you don't.

It's over.to something that hasn't even started yet.

Strings

2010-09-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hehehe...ok actually it refers to my guitar. I've been practising quite a lot lately.
My fingers are rather ugly now but anyways i manage to play a few songs without any mistake. Nah...not the difficult ones just the easy and for beginners songs.

Tada...my superlovely guitar who is always there for me.

I used to play once but i stopped because i left it at home to study in Kolej MARA Banting (KMB) but a couple of weeks before i brought it along (uuuu...my precious guitar. Ily ily ily...!) and started to play almost everyday. After long days of suffering for my fingers (kesian my fingers) i can play Gee-Wonder Girls acoustic version now and birthday song. Thanks to this guy for the tutorials.:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6u4Y3CHMfw

So, right now i'm currently practising Extreme- More than words tabs which is not so bad. But my fingers need stretching a lot because they're kinda short i guess.

2010-08-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

I want to start all over again with you

Perhaps

2010-08-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Lately, my life has not been well.

No.

In fact, it has not been well for a long time already. And lately it has been worse. I've been crying a lot these days.
Crying and crying and crying till my eyes hurt.

Things did not work out as i had planned, with so much hope. Now i know why we should not have such a high expectation, because when you failed it was terribly painful to bear. The
more you hope, the more you're going to get disappointed. It was like a cannon ball had hit my stomach, and stayed there leaving me suffocated.

The thing is, the situation i am currently in now is not really as bad as it seems. In fact i should be happy because i'm fortunate enough to achieve this. What made the tears fell down
was that i had the opportunity to do better and make the best out of the situation, but i wasted it.

I had the chance, and i blew it.
Definitely not something to be proud of.

Anyway, I've got no one to blame but myself. For being ignorant and oblivious and taking things for granted. Now i had to pay the price.
To me, the worst feeling that you can feel is not sadness nor is it disappointment or anger or heartbroken and other kind of emotions, but the feeling of remorse. The feeling of regret.
Because you know it is always too late.

As the saying goes, 'Nasi sudah menjadi bubur.'
But just because it has become a porridge, doesn't mean it is no longer eatable. Improvise. Add some chickens, black pepper etc. Make it into something else and not just accepting it as a
plain porridge, in fact it might taste even better than the rice. In the end, the objective is still achieved that is to eat. To eliminate the hunger.
(ok..this is crappy but anyway)

Perhaps this is a new beginning for something even better.
Perhaps.
I've got nothing to lose by hoping and trying again, maybe just another set of disappoinment and a bucket full of tears but definitely not regret. No more of it.
The greatest challenge is yet to come. I'll do my best.

Keluh

2010-07-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

Gelap
sepi dan tiada terpinggir
dari mereka
air kehidupan yang serupa
kerana menghadapi jalan-jalan
bercabang
antara hitam dan putih
hanya 'aku' yang pilih.

Datang Melawat

2010-07-15T03:06:00.001-07:00

Tadi aku called rumah nak cakap yang aku tak boleh balik esok. Lepas itu nenek aku angkat sebab nenek dgn atuk aku datang rumah nak lawat. Aku sedih gila tak dapat balik minggu ni. Sudah hampir 3 minggu terperuk dekat KMB memang perasaan rindu terhadap family aku meluap-luap.(ayat macam geli hahaha)

Lepas itu aku pun cakaplah dgn nenek aku. Aku gembira, terharu dan rindu sangat-sangat sampai masa cakap meleleh-leleh air mata. Demi mengelakkan malu daripada roommate aku sebab nangis cakap dgn nenek, aku cepat-cepat keluar bilik lari nyorok bawah tangga.

Yeye! Esok parents aku nak datang sekali dgn nenek dan atuk aku.
Woooohoooo......!

Actually I was informed that on Sunday there was going to be a talk on university placement. That is why i cancelled on going back but apparently the news is not confirmed yet. I think it is only compulsory for the parents of some particular students to come on that day.

Sajak Untuk Dia yang Kusuka

2010-07-15T03:06:00.000-07:00

Salam.
Sepatutnya sekarang aku sedang menyiapkan assignments yang berlambak dan bertimbun atas meja tapi fikiran dan perasaan mungkin tidak akan sepenuhnya tertumpu pada kerja-kerja tersebut kerana sekarang aku berasa angau.
Jadi, daripada menyiapkan kerja dengan cincai dan kemudian mendapat markah yang cincai juga, lebih baik buat lepas update blog. (Maaflah ye cikgu lepas ni saya siapkan...)

Hari ini aku terfikir pasal orang yang aku suka.
Bagiku, perasaan suka itu sangat luas. Seluas-luas langit yang terbentang, seluas-luas air laut yang tiada hujung dan tidak terbatas oleh horizon.
Perasaan rindu itu menyakitkan hati kerana ia menyebabkan orang menjadi tidak keruan dengan mata yang separuh tertutup. Kalau boleh aku ingin letupkan saja dengan dinamit 100kg biar hilang terus.
Aku ingin membuat satu sajak tentang orang itu tapi payah betul.

Sajak untuk dia yang kusuka

Teringin menyusun kata-kata pujangga cinta
Hmm...
Alisku bertaut, dahiku mengerut
Mencari diksi dalam perkataan yang bertaburan
bagai pasir di Sahara
Bermain dengan rangkaian-rangkaian abjad
Yang diselitkan sedikit rasa
Juga metafora, eufemisme dan segala macam gaya
Lalu membentuk sesuatu yang ajaib
Dan romantis
Dan manis
Dan mencuit hati
Dan penuh humor
Dan segala yang indah
Untuk kusampaikan apa yang tersirat
Dalam hati dan fikiran
Agar kau mengerti.

Aku bukan nak mengiming-iming ke apa.
I just want to make good poems. I will work hard for that.

Esok

2010-07-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

Even when everything seems to be against you, there will always be something that eventually will make you smile. A genuine smile from your heart that gives you your hope back.
Don't be ignorant, or oblivious.
Even if it is very small. Appreciate it, because the next time you face another challenge, deep down you will know who or what to turn to.

Maybe today was a sad day, but there can always be a better tomorrow.

Aku memandang ke langit sayu
Hiba memeluk kanan hati
Lara bersandar di sebelah kiri

Segala masa lampau terkumpul
Membentuk satu titik hitam
Yang akhirnya berkecai menjadi kosong

Ku genggam kuat tanganku
Dengan azam yang kukuh
Kerana masih ada matahari esok.

Nak edit lagi tapi rasanya macam sudah terlambat.
Okay...i'm off to taekwondo training.
Have a good day tomorrow:)

Topeng

2010-06-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

Aku ingin lari jauh-jauh,
melepasi semua orang,
tidak seperti mereka aku tidak bermuka,
biarlah mereka memandang dengan jelik pun,
mahupun tersenyum sinis,
aku mahu terus melangkah laju,
tapi sepertinya kakiku tidak mampu bergerak.

Aku mahu teriak sekuat hati,
sampai benua dihujung mendengar sekali,
betapa aku sudah penat,
betapa aku sudah sangat letih mencuba,
jasadku seperti ingin cair menjadi lumpur,
tapi sepertinya ia tersekat di kerongkongku.

Yang mana satu aku?
Ah, terlalu banyak wajah yang bersepah-sepah,
teruskan mencari bisik mereka,
teruskan,
tapi aku sendiri pun tidak tahu bagaimana.

A Wake Up Call Perhaps?

2010-06-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today after class, we got the usual usrah umum in LT1. All the students got to watch the remaining videos that were yet to be shown on Thursday due to time constraint. Anyway, the videos were pretty cool but i still think that Zinnirah's was the most awesome. Ahaha:D

After that, Aimi and Nad showed a video on arwah Jannah as a way to reminisce the good memories with her. She was happy and all in the video, with not even a bit of worry. I don't know why but lately her smiling face appeared quite a lot in my mind. There i was on the seat, my eyes following every move she made. I still couldn't quite believe that she's not here anymore. Somehow, the depressing reality was pretty hard to be absorbed.

It's just weird you know. It still feels unreal. Last month or so you were talking to her, and now even her shadows you won't get to see anymore. Although death is something that you see and hear everyday in the news, and I know it is inevitable when the time comes, but only now the reality had just checked in. Only now i can feel that it is really near, so near you won't have any chance to run and escape.
I'll pray for her to rest in peace and be with the blessed people.
Al-Fatihah

Wrong turn

2010-06-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

I met this one guy.
He's cute,
he's funny,
he's really really interesting,
he's so fun to be with,
and not to mention quite good looking too.
He's pretty much the ideal guy for me.

We went on dates and i was so sure that i like him.
But it turned out later that he is...GAY!

For the first time, i didn't know what to say.
It was really funny though. Although it shocked me a bit, but I will live on.:D

A bit of MO's life

2010-06-03T06:14:00.000-07:00

Oh..i have only one more week of holiday = one more week of doing anything i want = one more week of happiness and joy. I wanna stay at home longer.WOoo...XO

Anyway, i went to Az-Zahrah IMC to do my hospital attachment there and it was pretty awesome because i got to see this one woman getting stitched on her forehead and some other stuffs. And the MO was cool and funny, she pretty much told me her journey to becoming a doctor and her life. She said housemanship was damn tough and i just read this one article about this young doctor who couldn't take the heavy workload and seemingly endless hours of working, and she just snapped after six months. Housemanship is really taking its toll on the young doctors because statistically she was on one of five housemen in a month to be suffering from mental illness. The on-call system is one hell of a system since you may work 36 hours at a stretch with just one to two hours rest in between. I think coffee and tea are gonna be my faithful companions throughout the two years.
There is still a long way to go before reaching that phase though.

Um...last night i watched mv by julian and the lonely islands. Julian is so undeniably hot in boombox with his fingerless gloves and shades. The lonely islands punya vids like wth? bodoh gila.hahaha

Shiver

2010-05-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought that you would always be close to someone till the end of life, so close you thought even time could not touch the relationship? I used to have that naive hope, what a fool i was to think such thing would even exist. As time passes by, sure the relationship would remain the same but it's the people involved that are affected. People changes and so the connection between them in this circle of relation is broken. Alas, one became a shadow that eventually disappears, leaving no traits.

I don't know if she has actually changed or not. Maybe it is not significant, but there is a slight difference about her I just can sense it. I don't know. You may be tired of reading on this again, I'm also tired, really really tired but it is more exhausting to hang on something that is not certain. I don't know if we're even that close anymore. You can always cover your anguish with a broad smile on your face, till you yourself don't even know your own true feelings. Might as well break the jaw to show your genuine emotion.

I want to forget about them. Let the memories disintegrate into small particles floating in the air, and follow the wind to nowhere I can find them. Maybe you have done this, only I was a bit too late in grabbing the depressing reality. I shivered whenever i thought about this.

I'm really really tired.
It's my family, religion and perhaps my dream that keep me living on.
Because i know no matter what, they will always be by my side and the same thing i will do for them too no matter what happens.

Maybe, i have an acute BPD.

I can't sleep

2010-04-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

I hereby start this post with a sigh.
I feel like writing something, but i really don't know what to write on. My fingers are trembling and the churning feeling inside is making me nauseous.

Trouble sleeping? But i'm not suffering from insomnia or because i'm madly in love with someone.

It tasted just the same. I wished there were some prawns in the curry maggi i ate just now.

The chemistry test tomorrow is probably during the 5th or 6th period.
I've covered enough.

Shit! The black flying bugs keep on bugging me. Shoo shoo. Where's my chopstick?

Eyes half-closed, maybe I should just sleep and stop all these foolish nonsense.

The Light Bulb

2010-04-05T06:22:00.000-07:00

The light bulb is blinking,
trying so hard seems like it's suffocating,
to serve its purpose of life.

The bulb still emits light
but the brightness has dimmed.

I imagine it to be very shining before,
to illuminate the black room,
provide sight to the able,
share the laughter that echo,
simply to give joy to the livings.

For how long it could not care,
and the light bulb stopped functioning properly,
only the gloomy shadows to keep company.

Of course it can be brought back to the former life,
When will that be, who knows?

For someone to give back its pride.

A Horrible Dream

2010-03-07T01:51:00.000-08:00

I woke up to find tears on my cheeks. I cried in my sleep and when i woke up i found myself still crying. The sickening feeling in my stomach would not disappear. It stayed there, like it was being glued to the wall not ready to fall down just yet. I just stared at the white ceiling. The dream i had just now was probably the worst one I have had since I started dreaming.

It was not about ghosts. In fact, there were no abnormalities of nature involved. Although I could only remember the dream vaguely, I knew it had something to do with a tragedy. A betrayal from the people I trusted and loved. I found myself not breathing properly for a couple of minutes. It quietly left me feeling all churned up.

Today was a bad day, i guess. So many things happened.

I hope I could lie down on the sand right now, and stare at the sky. Let all the innocent waves wash me up slowly and gently. Even for just an hour, it's enough.

Poem

2010-02-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

Oho..i just finished my taekwondo training. It was really tiring, i'm pretty sure all parts of my body are gonna ache tomorrow. But it was fun and somehow i became less stress after all the physical tortures.lol.
Btw i've found a poem that really moved me.
You can read it here.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying- Charles C. Finn

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

The Silent Mind

2010-02-15T03:59:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Electric Feel.

Yesterday i played at the beach. It was a nice day, not too sunny or too cloudy like it was gonna rain, yet a bit windy i suppose. I walked along the shore, enjoying the heart-sinking view of the sea by every step i took. My right leg moved forward slowly followed by my left leg alternately until i found the right spot to stop.
I sat down on the brownish sand, mixed together with some small fragments of shells. Pink and white.
The waves came and go, made it refreshing for my bare legs to feel. The wind brushed softly against my face. I stared at the sky. An empty stare.
Sometimes, i tried not to think too much yet ironically that was what I ended up doing. I thought of how not to think too much and came up with ways which obviously required thinking.
I don't know. I always wonder how an empty mind really felt like.
Even it was empty, it was not always completely silent.

The song already stopped playing.

By the way, the previous post was an utter nonsense.

Nasi Goreng Patayya/Pattaya

2010-01-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

Tadi lebih kurang pukul 9.46pm 10 minutes more or less saya pergi KFC kat college. Tapi bukan Kentucky Fried Chicken yang Twister dia sgt sedap and sangat cool kalau ada kat college tapi singkatan untuk Kolej Food Court. Pastu saya ordered Nasi Goreng Patayya/Pattaya pedas, ulang 2 kali mind you supaya kakak tu dapat tulis order betul2 and bagi dekat the guy yang rambut dia kerinting supaya dapat masak nasi goreng tu.

I waited dekat table yang berdekatan dengan perut yang lapar, sebab i didn't eat dinner dekat DS tadi (Dewan Selera=DS).
Akhinya, berbaloi juga 18 minutes menunggu Nasi Goreng Patayya/Pattaya nampak sgt sedap walaupun telur dia bungkus bentuk square. (Saya suka yang circle lagi sebenarnya).
Selepas baca doa, saya pun makan dengan semangatnya, but it was a disappoinment. Telur dia macam tak masak and tak pedas pun.

Solution: minta cili potong,

Lepas tu, i ate the Nasi Goreng dengan gembira dan went back to my room.

B.

2010-01-09T03:31:00.000-08:00

Last Friday was nice.

Hey you

2009-12-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

Fuck you

Choices

2009-12-20T11:36:00.000-08:00

Man..this just totally irritates the hell out of me.
This one thing when u had all these thoughts that u wanna share and u're freaking enthusiastic to blog about it but u couldn't because u're in a car heading somewhere and u didn't have ur freaking notebook with u and when u got back in ur room with ur notebook on your lap and u forgot what u wanted to write.
WTH did i want to write?
Shit! Shit! Shit!

That happened to me like a LOT and i'm freaking Stressed. Errghh..!

oh Neways..i just remember something that i often think of.
We have many choices in our lives and i don't understand why people sometimes just stick to a few particular options.
Okay i'll give u an example a girl broke her mom's precious and worth of 10K flower vase due to carelesness. She'll probably freaked out and think of ways to cover it up so she won't be scolded or admit to her mom and accept her punishments like she's supposed to.

Those might be the possible and most rational solutions that a sane human can think of.
But then there are also some other alternatives eg.
1. Get hit by a train and die then u could save all the thinkings (obviously a stupid and irrational idea)
2. Kill someone else or commit serious crime which will make ur previous problem seems a lot less significant
3. Accuse ur maid or other people so they will take all the blame (only for cowards and damn unethical)
4. Run away from home and go back after 6 months or some other periods depending on how long it takes for ur mom to forgive u
5. Borrow money from everywhere and buy her a new vase
6. Say that u had a premonition that the vase is gonna bring bad luck and that u have to break it as to save the family from misfortunes .?

OK..most are just craps.lol. but the first option should never be in ur list because suicides will not solve much. What i want to point out here is that u have lot of choices in life. it's whether u see it or not.
now my head is pretty blank and drowning in sleepiness and before i start to sound like a freakin retard i think i better go to sleep first.

yellow pillow.

sometimes u just gotta do it

2009-12-11T12:19:00.000-08:00

i just read my friend's, aiman post on his selamba-yet-brave act to simply ask a chic bout the t shirt she's wearing and i thot it was pretty hilarious. And it kinda reminded me of something i did before which was quite similar to his. It's pretty vague now bt i still remember about 75% of it and so i wanna post the story before i forgot about it completely.

anyways it happened in February or March i think. well mun and i was at a convenient store, actually stranded there cuz we just got out from lab and apparently we'd missed the shuttle to go back to the hostel.
altho walking back was also an option but it was bout 5km of distance,less or more and the road was pretty empty most of the times and there might be a mad rapist or something walking around, i mean you never know so it was not a good idea.

we were thinkin of a solution when suddenly a white jeep pulled over and one of the college students went out of the car and entered the shop. and GUESS WHAT he was one of the hot guys in college. bwahahahaha...:DDD sorry but i kinda have this mild, yeah just a MILD obsession towards hot and good looking guys.

back to the story. and seeing him gave me a very good idea.
obviously...why not ask him to give us a ride to the hostel?

i told about it to mun who was just as excited as i was at the sight of him.

she was like 'weh..biar betol. malu ahh..siyes ke?'

and i replied 'aku un x tau..tp cm xde choice len je. try dlu la..'

we were still hesitating but there was not much time left as he was already out of the store and heading towards his jeep while giving us this weird look, (muke die mmg slenge ah time uh) for staring at him too much. but since we're quite desperate that time i kinda rushed towards him and blurted out

'weh..boleh ak tumpang? cuz kitorg cm tertinggal shuttle and so cam x tau cane nk balik..'
and showed the innocent little puppy look trying to eliminate any sign of girls-trying-to-flirt-with-guys-looks to win some sympathy.
then mun said 'aah..kitorg x tau cane da nak..'

he paused kejap..
then he smiled a bit and said 'yeah..ok'
we both replied 'siyes ke? thank u sgt2..'
and then mun and i looked at each other and whispered 'yes..yes!'
happy kot time tuh.hahaha

so we got into his jeep..and talked a bit. he told us his name and it kinda went on smoothly though sometimes we felt pretty awkward. but we learnt that he has a gf. i was like o shit what a pity i mean cuz he's such a hot looking guy with his babyface look. omg! hahahah...

when we finally reached our destination, i think if i was not mistaken he said something like 'if cm tertinggal shuttle lg ckp je..' with a cute smile on his face.
and since then we've been friends but i already lost contact with him and doubt i'll ever see him again after this cuz he continued his studies somewhere else.

hohoho..neways what i've learnt from this is that whenever u see an opportunity just grab it. and sometimes u gotta do what u gotta do in desperate moments.
and i'm pretty glad we did that.

Love just sucks!

2009-11-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

I kinda dislike being in love. I mean towards the opposite sex...(my love for my family is infinity and will never end)
because when i'm in love every space of my mind will be occupied by him. which just sucks a lot!
It just makes me so freaking angry because i couldn't get rid of him.
And my exam is so near and i need to freaking focus on my studies and
i just couldn't! Shit betol!

Why do this kind of thing happens?
That's why I usually just have crushes, flirt with many people but I avoid to really falling in love and being emotionally attached to someone..although people say love is wonderful, and brings happiness yada3.
Yeap its true though and but somehow you just couldn't control falling in love with that particular guy or girl.lol. Haih.
Stress! Aaaarggghhh...!

Gonna do my assignments now.
Seriously needs help=.=

thanx for reading tho.:)

A disturbing thought.

2009-11-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a thought that wanders around in every existing space of your mind and you just could not get it out?
This is happening to me now and I'm so frustrated till a point i feel like shaking my head so much, so the thought will be broken into pieces.

It's distracting my concentration in class, disturbing my sleep, making me moody sometimes and bringing other negative effects into my life.

I still could not get over it but i will try to anyway.
Go to hell you stupid disturbing thought!

Craps

2009-11-15T02:58:00.002-08:00

Today i saw two girls. They are roommates. Both are my friends. They had a fight yesterday. Now they are back together with a grateful smile pasted on their faces.

I felt a pinch of pain and my heart sank in a deep grief.

It's not that i don't like seeing them happy.
Just that i used to be like that and I really truly miss that moment.

I miss her a lot. I mean like...a lot and lot and lot and lot!
And sadly to say i doubt she feels the same way.
I don't have anymore strength to keep denying that.

Thinking about this hurts me i just wanted to forget everything.
Like seriously. From the beginning. Zero.
To have amnesia.

And to the people who says you love me and so so, please don't keep saying all those bullshits and don't even keep in touch.
If you don't just fucking say so for goodness sake.

I know i'm hard to deal with but please don't give up. Even as a friend.
When i love someone, i'll do anything that's possible to be with that person. But if that person doesn't want to, what could I do?
Because I want that person to be happy too.

Anyways...
Don't take the thoughts of a person with a broken heart seriously.
Because most are just craps. Dogshits.

I wanna enjoy my life here, study, hopefully go to UK, get an awfully awesome result, be a damn respected cardiologist, marry someone who friggin loves me as much as i friggin love him and spend the rest of the days doing whatever i want to do at the moment.
thank u.

kalau bole nk cite lg.

2009-11-13T02:03:00.000-08:00

oho ari ni kepala macam sparuh sewel sbb smalam buat test math cam shit sbb x study dlu malam ari sebelum tu...

uh skg tga bosan jadi rase mcm nak blog kalu boleh rase mcm nak cite sume benda yg jadi ari ni tp sebab lg 23 minit nk g mandi jadi macam cite je la ape yg sempat. td cam ade ceramah pastu igt cam bosan bosan cam ceramah biasa sbb org penceramah tu muke cam serius pastu da la x anta profile EXCEL lg jadi rase macam fuck. tapi rupenya org tu macam kelakar pastu aku, ngan member aku cam ketawa banyk2 smpai saket perot tp sorg x sebab die cm blur. patutnye die cite psl cara menempa kecemerlangan tapi rsenya tu 39% je kot pastu yg len tu sume psl die punye experience ngan marriage die haha tp aku xkesa pun sbb cite die best pastu rase cm nak dga lg.
among perkara yg die cakap ialah

-perempuan kalu betulkan tudung x kesa la kat cermin ke, kaca ke klau boleh kat lopak air pun nk jugak( yg aku rse cam bull sbb lopak air kaler coklat)

-pastu kalu g toilet kenapa laki boleh g sorg tp pompuan x boleh kene bwk teman jugak sbb nnt jd consultant tanye 'weh tudung aku ok x' pastu sorg lg jawab 'ok ok. aku aku aku?' haha

oh oh tggl lg 3 minit rse cam nak mandi cuz busuk tp nak abeskan cite dlu tp da x igt pe die ckp jd g mandi dlu laaaa...

A joke much?

2009-10-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

Last night i watched a korean drama. oh my god...the guys are so hot!hahahah:D
I always wonder how a guy could be so damn beautiful with flawless porcelain skin, red juicy lips and such mesmerizing eyes. It is quite unfair for us girls who are SUPPOSED to be called 'pretty' and 'beautiful' you know

Especially Jae Joong, a member of DBSK. wawawawawawa....XDDD

You gotta see his face man..it's so perfect i swear he looks just like one of the characters in all the Japanese games and anime and stuffs.
If he's a transvestite i'm pretty sure most of the guys wouldn't even blink when they see him.lol.:DDD

oh oh...btw actually this is not what i wanted to talk about.
As i've mentioned before, i watched i korean drama and i found out a very hilarious joke.

So i tried it on my friends
It went like this:

Me: Seekor arnab dengan kura-kura yang berjalan dgn cepat berlumba, sape sampai dulu?

Friend: uh..arnab kot

Me: bukan..kura-kura la sebab die jalan ngan cepat.hahah..

Friend: oh ok
(hm..actually it wasn't the right respond that i expected to get..despite the disappoinment, i continued)

Me: ok one more, seekor arnab dengan kura-kura yg pkai spek lumba, sape sampai dulu?

Friend: uh kura-kura

Me: uh nape?(grinning already..)

Friend: sbb die nmpk ngan jelas

Me: salah la..cuz ble bukak spek rupenya kura-kura yg same ngan yg tadi.haha..

Friend:uh......(muke slenge)

seriously i really think it's funny you know but unfortunately my friend didn't think so.
huuu..T.T

thats all tho. bye2...^^

Fly Me to the Moon

2009-10-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

oh man..its 3 o clock in the morning and i'm still trying very desperately to play the song
Fly Me to the Moon.

The song is very nice and very enjoyable to listen to.
Huuh...nevertheless, my determination is fading away, my desire to sleep is winning the fight.
My fingers are hurting and also my head, and i'm damn hungry.

I'm watching a video lesson now. The guy played it so damn beautifully..and it just made me want to try harder.

I really2 hope i can play it pretty smoothly later, even if it's just a part of it.

klimun

2009-08-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

ooh it was awesome..haha.

seriously it totally made me realized that there were people who were just amazing.
yeah..they could damn talked and it was really impressive.
it's like listening to a debate by some-knowledgeable-adults stuck in bodies of 17-18 years old teens.

i wondered how they could just blurted out every single point spontaneously,and almost every one of them brought an impact.

i was in awe man. damn serious!

ooh and i met some new friends and became closer with them.
we went to PD and rode the banana boat. wee hee! it was fun, except when the sea water got into my eyes and my mouth and through my nostrils.

anyways it was a greaaat experience and if i can repeat it all over again,i will with no doubt.

Dalila Ezzy Jecintha Kei Nadiah Irfan Syed Min Fern Azzeem Sean Aaron Azuan Aizat Evan Amir Kwan Juliana Dhania and Qasim and etc. ..it was cool knowing you guys.

Realisation

2009-07-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

I wondered why people could be so damn nasty sometimes. This thought always struck my mind whenever I watched another human being passed by, or just walked beside me or talked cheerfully to their friends. Full of ardor, their voices sound somehow nonchalant. They seemed to be themselves, and it’s like they were really like that, but outer surfaces could really blind you deep.

They may not be what they show to the outsiders.
They may not say what they have in mind.
They may not act like how they want to actually do.
They may smile and laugh with us, but they also smile and laugh when something unfortunate happen to us.
They may say we’re friends, but ‘Bitch!’ appear on the board of their minds.
They may show some supports, but hoping deep in their hearts that we would fail.

It hurt to find out that you’re having this kind of people all around you. Sneaking cunningly behind our backs, and afterward showing their angelic faces. These people could easily charm you and put you under a magic spell, thinking that you have finally found someone that you could trust, but then using their senses they would gradually attacked you slowly without you noticing.

Why do they bring pain to others?

My heart ached when I thought of them. They already gave me pain, and I...

I'm freaking mad! Those imbeciles, i wanna all of them into a box and send it to the North Pole so they will all freeze to death. hahaha(evil laugh..)

kay kay just kidding ;p

nevertheless...i hope they have a solid reason for doing this, and not for the sake of pure evilness(=.=)

Orientation

2009-06-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

i've joined KMB on 23rd of June.
seen a lot of hot people there.haha
so i can refreshed my eyes quite often.

and as usual we have orientation. initially it damn sucked.
i was pretty homesick and i just wanted to go home every minute when i was there.
we had to get up at 4.30am and go to sleep at 11-12pm.

4 hours of sleep was not enough, for god's sake!!
so the morning after that when we had ceramah, my head was like a balloon full of water. hahaha...

fortunately there was no ragging.
but now i don't think it's that bad.
nevertheless, i couldn't understand why they have to separate the outing days for guys and girls.we have to go back before 7pm anyways..

thats all. and to all the people who had just started college..goodluck to u guys and hopefully you'll have fun!:D

UNNECESSARY QUESTIONS

2009-06-14T03:53:00.000-07:00

kay..the boredom is slowly killing me now.

btw, what i wanna talk about in this post is

UNNECESSARY QUESTIONS

seriously this kind of things kinda pretty bugged me, altho some made me laugh.
example of UNNECESSARY QUESTIONS

1#
you were playing football or any kind of game that involved running.
out of clumsiness you fell down and twisted your ankle. you groaned in pain 'ouch..!' while holding your hurt ankle and making a trying-to-endure-the-agony face.
your friends realized the whole situation and walked towards you.
then, they asked
'hey, dude. you okay?'
haha... it just annoyed the hell out of me.
i mean couldn't they hear my 'ouch.ouch!' and see my terrified face and me holding my ankle.
it was so goddamn obvious that i wasn't okay, okay..!
i know they're concerned but seriously, the least they could do was call the medical officer and offered to help me asap.in which they did and i was grateful for that.
somehow, i think that UNNECESSARY QUESTION is something that will you will automatically blurt out in times of injuries and emergencies.

#2
you were relaxing on your bed and it's already midnight.
then, then your phone vibrated coz' you got a message.

'hey..da tido?'
or
'hey..u asleep?'

'.................................'
if i was asleep(in state of unconciousness), i couldn't possibly reply you rite.
if i answered 'yeah i am' its pretty funny.lol.
i couldn't figure out why people ask that question.
i asked that kind of question too sometimes and i didnt know why too..haha
however, imnsho wouldnt this be more appropriate
'hey..u awake?'

#3
you were either sms-ing or talking to someone.
then that guy said
'can i ask you something' UNNECESSARY QUESTION
or
'can i ask you a question' UNNECESSARY QUESTION
what you're saying was already a question.haiyoh...!
usually that happened when they want to ask something personal or emotional etc.
it's cool if they wanna ask that but i think they should be more specific like
'can i ask you something personal..'
something like that..you get what i mean rite.

huh..i'm gonna go eat ice cream:DDD
hasta la vista.

one litre of tears

2009-05-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

so many things happened to me today.
and it stressed the hell out of me.

i went for a casting this morning.
it's for a mini runway fashion show.and i...

DIDN"T MAKE IT...(started to cry again)

i was so sad, i couldn't stop crying for the whole day.
one litre of tears..T.T
i tried my best to get it you know.
i mean its like..imagine your heart stop beating.
yeah that's how i felt when they announced the result.

take your heart out and put it in the freezer.
SHIT!!

huh..anyways now i do know that even if you tried your best at doin something,
there's no guarantee that the outcomes would turn out like how you it want to be.

the phrase 'if you work hard, anything is possible.'
is a FUCKING BULLSHIT.
it depends on luck too okay.

some people can't handle failures very well..
and unfortunately i'm one them.
yeah i'm a freaking atychiphobic and i cant even pronounce the word.
grr...

I HATE FAILURES!
and when it happens, it makes me so depressed i just wanna end my life.
but of course, i wont.
it's just a thought.

neway, that's all.
a lesson i've learnt today:
even if you've given it your best, dont expect too much.
even if you've failed, just remember that there is probably something better waiting for you
in the future
and dont give up no matter how unbearable the pain it caused
(which is what im trying to do..)

daa.

yayyy...thank you so much!!

2009-05-15T04:10:00.000-07:00

I GOT MARA SCHOLARSHIP...!!
omg..i couldn't believe this...im sooo blooddy freaking fucking happy.lol.
alhamdulillah i'm really really grateful to God^^
i'm gonna do medicine at kolej mara banting
i've been wanting this since i was born..haha
kay i was exaggerating.lol.

since morning i was so nervous...
but today i went out with my friends and had so much fun.
hahaha.we ate at McD and mencapub like almost all the time.
lol..

i haven't seen them for weeks and i miss them so muchh:'))

NURUL FADHILAH (DODI)
AMIRA AZHAR (MYRA)
FATHI IZZATI (FOTTY)
ILI LIYANA (ILI)
IZNI SYAZANA (NGAU)
SITI MUNIRAH (MOON)
FATIN NADIAH (ATEYN)
NURFATHIHAH (FATEA)
DAYANA ASILAH (ME! OR ADEK)

they are my ADEK BERADEK in school

and these are the pictures we've taken.:D

cicrle form.heh

memang la suka mencapub

umm..tgk pe tu dodi?

itadakimasu!supposedly candid okay.

syg korgg...hehehe

girl group:the cutes.haha

under the tree.lol...^^

due2 un kakak..:D

ili...i dont have a gud pic of you.:( ade satu but blurr.
and kakak ngau..sape suruh tutup muka.hishh......

thats all.neways i hope dpt jumpe u guys lg.
it has been fun! :DD
gonna miss my adek bradek so muuccchhhh....!!

OMG

2009-05-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

OMG...OMG..OMG

they said mara result is already out today. im so freaked out!!
arghhhhhh...!!!!
my friend said that kinda a lot of our friends got it. i was like ooo..they are so lucky!!XD
and so she sent me the link to check the result
so i go to the link cuz i wanna check if i got it..

the nervousness was so overwhelming i was suffocating.lol.

but turned out the page could not be opened cuz many people are accessing it now.
gosshhhh....!!!
huh..so right now i have to wait until the line is not so slow anymore.and
it's killing me...
wish me luck!

dilemma

2009-05-12T11:29:00.001-07:00

Hmm….it’s pretty sad that I have to start my first blog with such a sad story told by the sad me. yeahh..I’m kinda gloomy rite now (sigh) huh…it’s because I’m thinking of a friend of mine. I really don’t know the relationship between us anymore.

You see, she was a close friend of mine. We once went to the same college and even shared the same room. So the bond between us was quite tough. If you know me close enough, I’m pretty damn sure the name has crossed or is crossing your mind now.

Type of bonds (sounds like chemistry.hahaha):

1. Soul mate (in which I haven’t found one yet but looking forward to it^^)
2. Best friend (still searching..but I can feel it approaching.haha)
3. Very close friends (got some and she belongs in this group)
4. Close friends (yeahh..kinda plenty)
5. Friends (a myriad..haha)
6. Acquaintances (eventually I’ll forget bout them)

Anyways…back to the story. I’ve quitted the college 2 months ago ‘cuz I wanna pursue medicine. if you’re wondering why I went to the college in the first place, it was because the course I took there was my second choice and I wasn’t so sure that I could get a pretty damn well result for SPM. I got 11A’s.woohoo! (yep I’m bragging…so what, everybody does that in life.lol.)

However, she stayed there because she wanted to study there. I was feeling very very heartbreaking that I had to be apart from her after living together for three months. I cared for her deeply and she felt the same way too so we’ve decided not to let the distance steals our closeness.

We called each other almost everyday after I left the college. At the beginning, everything seemed fine and we chatted like usual. But I dunno..somehow as time passed by, the time of each call lessened and we don’t share much. I mean usually I was able to giggle and made fun and talked for hours with her without noticing it. but…now even 20 mins felt long and I glanced at the clock so often...hoping one hour had already passed.

I’ve figured out that this would happen afterwards but then not so soon. It makes me depressed.
Eventually we have to go on our separate ways.

I loved her and I valued her.
As a person who lives together with me.
As a girl who giggles with me when a hot guy passed by.
As a human who was at my side when I was feeling down.
and lastly…
As a friend who shared secrets with me.
(hope I’m not being too sentimental..heh)

Anyways…I wanna ask you guys what I can do to maintain the relationship. And if do you think it can last until we’ve grown white hairs.

And the girl that I’m talking bout...if you’re reading this pls give me your honest answers too:D
but if this doesn't make any sense to you maybe i was just being oversensitive.